Simply

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Let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves i'm jason i'm the dungeon master going around the table starting with zachary what's up my name is zach and i play blevens elmar rutherford the third and jamie hello i'm jamie and i play tatiana the human rogue and jamison hi i'm jamison i play funkyless honey hugs the gnome vampire shadow sorcerer and celebrating her 10th anniversary of being rejected from the main cast carren hi i'm carren happy to be here for the time i have left before i get booted from the team today i will be reprising my role as josephine who is a human fighter no i'm a human cleric thank you see that's why you're leaving i like to start off the show with a joke that makes me sound like the biggest dickhead in the world and no one who listens to the behind the scenes like unless you listen then you go oh he's a piece of shit and then they leave it literally really is 10 years though holy fuck i just realized that yeah dude once you're here you're here for life like that's it like you don't yeah that's it if i can help it you stay i tried to leave you up in my house you want to play spearhead like when you're trying to end a subscription and they're like but we'll give you an annual key whoa how about you just pause it and forget about it for three months and then we'll start it up again it'll be great how about you just roll a couple of dice come on the first one three we won't charge you until that 30 days is up don't worry so um you guys escaped don hirst and you you make you manage to not only get out of castle don hirst unscathed you then lost a couple of party members in vella and ian if you count ian as a party member even even even if briefly and then after you're down to people you decided to go back into don hirst and i was just i was just wondering if it's been a couple of weeks since we sat down do we regret that decision nah it's ambrie world hashtag no regrets i'm fucking ready okay well it happened let's fucking get it okay who's leading the way who's walking in first karen yeah i mean i got this path to be me right no i did it it's still eternal night it is right oh oh yeah yeah it's still nighttime that's for a couple days i think still yeah we still got a little bit yeah now the good news is uh for those out there who don't remember the the vast majority of the ravenous rabid you know uh blanked out vampires are up near the castle or maybe beating their way into the castle by now they're going to explore that area until they find something of you know of use to them right um or they get murdered by that or they get murdered yeah that thing is up there trouncing shit so it is definitely a an attention-grabbing thing that doesn't mean that there aren't any you know residual vampires maybe deaf ones or something down here somewhere or those get bored and just run away i don't know but we'll see right now i want i want marching orders here is foncula still in a backpack it doesn't have to be because it's nighttime but he wants to be so yes that's fair okay whoever's in front i need i need you to tell me how you're re-entering like paint a picture for me big double doors outside you you're going to be able to to climb over those they are you know you know you could either climb over those or or yank them open you could do that i just realized i'm the tank yeah yeah yeah no i i i so a third of the party is gone and it's two of the tankier individuals so we'll be this will be great now if this were this were a lark-based party it would be a little more even but it isn't that's why we have to find survivors so they can tank for us yes they'll be in great shape i'm sure of it i've got a spare dagger now so hey at least you handled that that was finally for six years the white number of daggers yeah yeah yeah i we can front bunk i mean i advise against it like i won't stop you i know i don't really know where we're going tatiana doesn't know the city so i do think probably that's an interesting okay let's start with that so we ended on the decision to go back in this is more okay we're going back in to look for survivors we can't we can't leave survivors left how does that look like what are you are you searching every shop are you know are you heading to an area where they might be like what does it look like i mean what do you think oh i was gonna say i remember that i'd done a check and joe remembers some areas where people could be out so i think like though like she just wants to check those couple places we don't need to like comb the city because i feel like i feel yeah so you're you're trying to you're casting in that to catch the most potential people instead of looking in every closet and everything it's like look there's a couple of places where people could be hiding beyond that we gotta cut our losses and leave trying to get as many groups as possible or whatever not like there was something about a stable wasn't there last time there was that that would be the first place on your yeah that would be the first place that uh you'd be looking and then there is a church in the center of the city that has seen better days uh but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it i mean in a city full of vampires i feel like stealth probably is our best option to get from place to place right we don't wanna yeah i mean here's the thing you have a couple of choices stealthy but slow dragging out your time or quick and dirty but noisy as these things tend to go i think we start with stealthy and then yeah we're gonna end it with quick and dirty we'll get the we'll get the sampler i'm sure a little bit of that so here's what's gonna happen in the front doors well then i need an athletics check from everybody not no you're gonna climb over right oh yeah it's yeah i was like no no i just i just tell you it's like no you are uh all right uh athletics check from everybody i'm assuming you're using rope to get over you know um so 11 17 josephine 19 tatiata less um emotionally probably still coming down from the murdering your ex-boyfriend thing um so you're you're gonna slip a bit here and probably fall about halfway down uh the the front of these double doors and just kind of like slam into it a bit it makes a bit of noise but it's not like oh they're gonna hear it up on the hill or something it's more of a fuck and then okay you're gonna climb up and get over it it's it's a pretty routine thing it's about 12 feet off the ground total and then you repel down the other side it's it's more just uh okay don't do that again type of thing you know what i mean i hope it's not a harbinger of things to come that type of thing you know sorry fuck i was about to say maybe funkulus is throwing you off like there's an extra like so what is funkulus way again big fat cat small dog what is he yeah like i mean we're hang on i have a stat for it somewhere i think it's like 40 something pounds so it's not okay to be climbing up uh you know yeah that's that's quite a bit that could throw you off i think you're encumbered but no he's uh he's a size of a real dog how's that a real dog has a full nose and everything okay he's at his point in the same direction cool to make fun of a disability karen it's a perfectly bred in disability yeah it is okay i'm talking to someone who played god by the way yeah we're talking about pigeon should someone have played god and go look i made this funny thing probably not he can never go on an airplane his head will turn inside out like he can't do it but that's he's he's still be still pretty cute and soggy so you're on the other side of this door and there are shops and kind of a kind of a main market street that is almost like a long corridor this main street goes all the way down and you're gonna be able to see the stables but they're they're a few hundred yards away um these were uh like uh cheaper homes and garment shops and you know general stores stuff like that like the main stuff when you come into the city it's like oh there's you know the the stuff they're trying to pull you in and this place is wrecked ransacked right like these you know all the windows are busted out doors are battered down um it is uh just a nightmare so if these vampires were here there's virtually no place to hide like these these storefronts have almost been torn apart and out so the entire you know street is littered in broken glass splintered wood and it's it's super eerie because as you're you know if you're stealthing through and you're walking you're gonna hear the like subtle crunch of bits and pieces of broken shop underneath your feet and in the in the far far distance you can still hear whatever the hell that thing was fighting you know 150 200 vampires so you can hear it in the in the distance but everything here is super quiet uh is joe leading the way because joe knows where yeah i feel like i feel like i have i feel like she has to because she's like i can't i can't leave here without doing this so and i know the place is so let's let's go there's only two main places to to to search out what could possibly go wrong exactly what could go wrong i'm really oh yeah no please i'm really hoping all of i'm really hoping all the ruckus on the hill has drawn any attention from the city away like you could not have a bigger advantage i'll put it that way right can i get a perception check from you karen please sure what's joe's perception pretty good it's a plus three it's not that's really that's that's that's fine oh all right okay well that's a total of six it's really important as i rolled really big on the athletics check you know i feel like the number six is gonna haunt the group tonight i don't know why but so i have to imagine your heads are on a swivel right you're you're you're constantly looking into these pitch black storefronts everything up front are you guys using torches are you just going through it felt like yeah you're stealthing well i i personally i just want to establish that emble ovens wants to be in the rear uh with his whistle stick ready for anything ready to make noise here we go just in case just only if the need calls for it so who has dark vision here karen do you have dark vision sure don't okay so that could explain the perception check but your heart was in it obviously the vampires got dark vision that just makes turbo dark vision i've got seeing magical dark dark vision for like 500 yards yeah okay you're able to see beyond the basic doorways and windows and stuff of these structures and see all the way to the back so you'd probably be the first one to be able to see something scamper in or out or something like that shadows running around jamie please oh no i'm just thinking sorry oh no feel free to jump in with a thought if you have one so anyone who doesn't have dark vision this has got to be pretty fucking terrifying because it's it's a long street like 300 yards long and it's just shop apart shop shop shop shop like it's it's anything could be hiding here and you're gonna slowly creep down this street you're gonna get about a hundred yards in and um karen yeah i'm gonna give you another chance okay can i get a dexterity saving throw please oh no oh no oh that's way better 13 3 6 okay so it's almost a miracle but joe's fairly heavily armored and you guys are are kind of like you're almost scooby-doo walking down just waiting for something to come out and the moonlight is just going to catch this thin fishing line oh right in the middle of the walkway and joe's almost gonna it's like whoa whoa okay and just kind of like hey guys everybody start looking out for this bullshit to you know like because apparently sections of the city are just booby trapped yeah and none of the wild vampires have set it off at all you know it's i so you might be able to chalk that up to blind luck or like a like a muscle memory thing something like that or it was just or it was set up recently which is another possibility but we don't know i'm i'm gonna have to keep picking on you karen it's fine you're almost to the stable now i want you to give me a history check just to remember it's like hey what do you remember about that what little things can you tell them to kind of keep their eyes out for okay oh that's so much better 16 so this is a place a lot of kids screw around in it's one of those like oh we're gonna hide in the hay we're gonna like their loose floorboards you can hide it's a great hide and seek place so joe might have even known that from her youth like it's it's like oh yeah it's a great place you know something like that but that is a possible place where survivors could be so it's mostly checking under loose floorboards in hay and stuff like that though it's a long shot at this point because these guys have been here for a long time so if you find someone who hasn't been drained dry you're probably gonna find a dead body anyway because they would have starved to death or died of thirst or whatever but there's there's it there is a there's a possibility right does funkyless have any like vampire sensing abilities can you hear heartbeats or smell blood don't think strictly so i mean i have a good perception i don't know don't you just uh use your vampire mating call you're exactly right oh yeah yeah comes from the back of the throat you gotta just well it's funny you should mention that real mating call jamison already mentioned that funkyless has crazy good dark vision right yeah um some of it coming from just being a warlock some of it most of it coming from being a vampire like you can see straight through yeah so vampires have a have a leg up there's lots of disadvantages the sunlight holy water you know that stuff however if funkyless were to drink human blood his stuff goes into turbo he'd be able to to hear further sense things like the drawback being you know uh not strictly human blood but mortal blood it's very addictive and uh it's kind of a high you don't want to come down from well you haven't eaten in 200 years i'm pretty sure it's tempting to get a little damage juice um and i am in a backpack looking at the back of the neck right now so that's true how you feeling about that funkyless napkin working knife oh look over there turn your head he wasn't going to bite you but you fell earlier and he went he's just kind of like it's like oh whoa he broke his teeth tom and jerry style it was time uh yeah so i don't think i am thinking as much about that definitely hungry but right now focusing on the task at hand i would like to if i could make a perception check though and just sure see right we're gonna have to deal with that hunger eventually yeah i mean if you want to roll something i will but um well i so normally um vampires have to eat once a day right they gotta eat something and obviously yours was a you know like a magical you know what we can do um give me a d20 the higher that is the longer we can go without okay that's a nine okay i'd give you the next few hours before you really like it starts affecting you where you it's like okay guys i need to i need to sandwich hold on like you know yeah i feel like right now as much as i'm probably thinking about it i don't think it makes sense to be like hey person who's carrying me around why don't you be weaker for a little bit now if it were ian then you know easy um yeah not even a decision that's easy so all right so let me see what i can see we are stopped at this fishing line so um see what happens here two that's a 23 so he's like he's up like i've been poking out of the back like sniffing the air type thing so you're not going to pick up any um there's there's doesn't seem to be any humanoids in the area um definitely nothing putting out a heat signature right there's nothing you know you'd kind of like pick up that you know living people have a smell to them right there's always kind of a distinct you know and if it were trent it would be like axe body spray and patchouli or something like you know what i mean like it would definitely end weed let's be honest vampires are a little harder to pick up just because they're cold they don't but these guys are filthy and you can you know you are picking up like some kind of animal and it's nearby enough that it's got to be within a hundred yards ish so could be around the stable could be you know but but it doesn't seem to be a big animal like if you it's one of those things you catch in the air once in a while could be dog could be cat something like that like something it's like okay okay could be a source of food all right uh yeah so he'll just say um i don't think there's anybody around here we can just step over that sucker and then get out of here yeah just be careful guys you guys are gonna get to this stable um there are three dead horses in here um rotting drawing flies like they were drained a long time ago and you're gonna guess that they are they could be these horses that's not that's not the point oh it's the point is they were loved and um you're gonna guess they would probably be more decayed if they had blood in them there would be a bit more of a mess but these things have been just drained dry you can even see where one of them has been kind of torn apart a little bit probably desperation just getting to any loose blood or whatever but um do you wanna do you wanna head in start poking around sure i want each of you to give me a perception check please so obviously this hay this straw these big you know uh these big things of straw haven't been touched uh because the horses ain't eating them but you know you're gonna be looking through those just it just doing due diligence you know that like no one's in here you know you you have a pretty good guess but it's when you start peeling back floorboards and looking in here that you can see someone was here and not not in the sense that vampires tore this place apart and they're dead now there there's a tiny tin of food in here and you can see that someone someone small squirreled away in here um there's like a couple of candles there's you know that they had some amount of rations and you know what i think thoculis and tatiana would both be able to see that it looks like something's carved in to one of the wooden joists underneath of the the the stable here one of the one of the things kind of keeping it upright does anyone know thieves can't do so okay tatiana's gonna look at this and it looks you know it looks kind of like it like little symbols like you know and you're you're gonna look at it and go oh so two people were here and they ended up fleeing to the church during the day so you know that at least two people were alive okay um joe do you know where the church is in relation to where we are because it looks like survivors are headed there at least that's what this says well that was the um the other place that i wanted to look um so that that works out really well um yeah it's over that way points whatever drags yeah theater of the mind we got it yeah so here's where we're gonna start having a little fun we know that those vampires can't be can't be distracted forever right and either that thing is gonna die or it's gonna kill most of them so what we're gonna do is each one of you are gonna get a chance to roll a die and the lower the roll the less time you're going to have to to to to deal with this so uh zach we're gonna start with you we're gonna start with a d20 fair enough just a flat d20 just a flat just pure luck not the best nine well next die roll is going to be a d8 uh so you know we'll we'll we'll just keep working our way down but for now they're still busy up on that hill the church is about a quarter of a mile away not insane a brisk walk or a slow sneak you know what i mean is is joe still leading the way oh yeah but now we've um encountered a tripwire so now we need to look out for those two yes okay give me a perception check onculus you want to come out of the bag you need to borrow the the funky list and just transfer backpacks and just hold out can you hold this yeah can you unequip your font list please i need to use it i need the staff boost oh which uh which slot does that go into what do i have to uh all right uh do we want me to make the perception check is that what it is uh i want i want karen to do it with advantage with advantage okay yeah and double drop it too we'll take a 12 tell me that was the first one oh it was we were gonna take it too so uh 15 total yeah that would have been bad you are going to get to the center of the city and the church in donhurst has quite a wide berth um it looks like the town is largely built around this church it is the centerpiece it is well it was this gorgeous gorgeous gothic masterpiece the moonlight hits it just right and it it it used to be awe-inspiring now there's a pretty massive hole in the side of it and a lot of the windows are boarded up and it looks like it was the site of some kind of maybe a fight or maybe maybe something because the storefronts and stuff are mostly just you know light duty wood it kind of makes sense for them to be beat up this is large caliber stone this was masonry and it's busted through this does not look like one of these vampires or even a team of them would be able to hammer through and even if they could why would they when they can go through the windows so something definitely happened here looking around you're not gonna see you're not gonna see anything in in this general sphere what you want to do okay i guess we get closer to the church actually wait how wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait sure okay like just gonna like go to take a step and then she's gonna like fabulous you um you sense in anything with your vampire senses before we cross your elf i see you know it's probably better if i just get down by at this point yeah if he gets down to his feet he'll um he'll check the area a little bit so just for fun i'm not 25 you know just no no 25 words i'll be like oh there they are right over there okay so churches aren't a vampire's purview for the most part like it's not it's not great yeah uh you know uh that's where holy water and stuff lives so you know um you you can see why if someone were whole up somewhere that's that's kind of a genius place to do it you know so looking around you're gonna see that there is a large hole busted into the back of this church a lot of these windows are boarded up uh and on the other side uh is two large wooden uh front doors that have not been touched okay you're not going to see any people however you are going to pick up smells um and it's just the faint whiff of edible food and something you can't put your finger on like okay when karen and jamie started talking about crocheting earlier in in my head it's just meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow like i can't i have no i just it's like cool that sounds cool like i don't i don't have any so that's what this smell is to you it's like yeah i don't know anything about ska like or whatever like you know you grew up in the 90s yes you do know about ska but no i know more than i want to yeah right we all do which is to say so you're guessing like in your head it's like it might be religious in nature so like it's it's in your blind spot right it definitely has smell um yeah okay one of the smells of that time yeah kind of it it's inanimate um some kind of um earthy metaly wood something in there but it it's like dad i don't know it kind of it's foggy it blends together so yeah he's gonna he's gonna he gets put down on the ground and he like looks around and sniffs around a little bit and he kind of picks up on something he turns around and says there's definitely somebody in there or there was um if you guys want to go in there and look at it i'll wait out here and scope around i don't feel like going into a church i'm gonna stay out here but you guys go ahead it's almost probably safe are vampires not allowed in churches they're allowed but oh i feel like i feel like that was joe like picking on funky less like oh are you not allowed but uh i don't want to oh so there it's not great it's not pleasant yeah something smells in there and i don't like it not bad not like those horses smelled but not um not like something that funky wants and i don't know how else to say it besides that i'm gonna stick with what i said okay i guess i i guess we'll go in then are you sure you should like hanging out it smells like somebody's eating food in there like real food like food that you guys want um food that i want is eating food that you want in there you know what do me a favor uh give me a d10 on a scale of one to ten how desirable is that food because i imagine after a couple of hundred years funkyless just files it under not my shit you know what i mean two so i so like like canned corn beef hash or something like that it's like technically food yeah you know like spam in there right right now i look i'm sorry it's not my fault you grew up in the state of the oldest people in the world and ham and cabbage is a delicacy that's not my fault jamie no one has teeth there so they boil everything so they don't have to chew it ham and cabbage is great i love that is you said that you i can find that at my door in the crowd now what is wrong with you people that is oh my god okay well i don't trust a man's palate who doesn't eat vegetables i'm sorry i just can't okay okay okay now i feel attacked and i it's all even look it all tastes like dirt okay like i i'm not eating dirt so maybe my taste buds are messed up i'm not debating have you ever washed a vegetable before from the ground taryn and then i just shove them into my mouth like a wild animal oh my children okay like that but bigger that's it what sides do you eat with your meat jason you like do you like rice whatever stops his heart the fastest basically is what i'm hearing 20 years ago that might not have sounded like a great idea but the longer i live the less time i want so i think i had it right all along you guys can be healthy live to 100 see how that goes it you know if you call the coward's way out if you're just you if you just kill over on like a random sunday eating cheerios or something nothing to do with you nope honorable i voted i tried i i spastrami until i'm dead that's it me and loki eating bacon that's it that's all right how are you walking into this church you going into the hole in the back are you going to the wait a second i'm sorry that's that's the world okay hold on hold on hold on hold on take it back let's let's we're talking about a church guys you filthy like come on uh do you want to go in the unused front door it's not going to sound good what do you want to do what do you want to do what do you want to do i don't know i think i think the well-traveled back door well traveled easy i think i was gonna say i think that joe would start to head towards the front door but then remember the last time she was on the front steps of a church she was literally eaten to death that is a little bit of a ptsd moment for her so i think she'll change course and go to the hole in the wall okay i swear to god this isn't for the bit the hole looks like it was made by a larger than average creature something you might designate as huge also we just posted episode 69 of arc 5 as long as we're i don't know so and it's a hole in a church so it could be considered glorious it could be or a loophole um so who's going in first well you said there was food being made that is akin to a celebration so blanks will walk right in it's a church holy shit okay well all right can can i get can i get a perception check from you like so imagine a big pile of rubble and stone leading up like it wouldn't be hard to get in because like you just gotta like watch your step but yeah it looks like this has been busted up for quite a while quite a while is bleb is walking in he'll just say hello uh room for one one more in the table well that's a crit one uh it's just it smells so good he's excited it's delicious it's got to be the first of all now i want it to be ham and cabbage now i want it to i i i i won't make it that because i i so let's say let's pick something no one likes let's pick um like chicago pizza or something like right okay no one likes it no one what yes no no no if i remember correctly it was ryan who cursed our group so this is fair that big thing on the fucking hilltop is what was gonna give your skull in but thanks Chicago pizza i'm sure ryan won't listen to this let me run he's not crazy supportive of the show and a nice guy i'll get a random message on it you know what right if you're listening to this you know fuck chicago pizza because you said that thing after us that's what i'm saying so levens is gonna stick his head in i'm sorry i've never had i gotta try it i told him i would i gotta try it at some point i gotta yeah um do you really shout like like do you do you shout out it's like oh hey room for one more that type of thing hello is there room for one more okay levens shut the fuck up sorry i'm angry so i i imagine blevens just walking right in so crossing the threshold of the church just like just like standing in there looking around you know when like you walk into a hotel and just like wow look at all this yeah okay yeah so i would imagine everyone else in the party just kind of like what like frozen kind of for a second it's like why did you scream like that you know like we've been doing so good can i get a dexterity saving throw please yeah there of course no no no no no no no no just levens no i i just in my brain i was imagining there's like a warning shot going off some other booby trap our dexterity oh god damn 23 so there's gonna be a beat where nothing happens and then you're gonna hear um like wood creak above you and blevens is going to move to the left just as this bucket of bricks comes sailing out of the darkness above and just clatters uh over where blevens just was so that whoever did that is not fucking around and that was a kill shot basically that that would have been enough to home alone yeah you could have been customer service and you're gonna hear shuffling up up above you well not to mention a bucket of bricks has made a shitload of noise right oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah all right so i'm i'm keeping watch in you know eyes and ears out i'm not paying attention to what's going on inside i sent blevens and he's got it i'm paying attention he's doing great he's doing great within seconds of going out of your sight is like high clatter like it it's like i'm so good yeah happy with it what do you want to do so blevens is in the church yeah he's still walking forward oh so in the church um there are tossed over pews and turned over stuff a lot of the um a lot of the ground floor of the church looks absolutely wrecked and um you're gonna see the body of something uh and you would dare say it has absolutely nothing to do with the vampires what it looks like it looks like several dozen bodies stitched together like a mound of things that uh for lack of a better term came to life and attacked the church how does that smell it's probably past the point of smelling honestly at this point but it's it's it's just like this deflated you know lumpy yeah slimy and it's not moving right no no no no no no and if you were to look like crane your head up it's like what the hell so it's very dark beyond the first 10 feet of the church right but you can hear wood creaking and stuff so there must be a staircase or a ladder or something to the upper rafters and something's up there do you guys stay outside the church or are you coming in or oh no i we i would follow in and i think as soon as the bricks i heard the brick sound uh tatiana would garnish her weapon or you know at least pull out a deck i feel like joe was like on her way in and levens just like pushed his way by her so she's like behind him and thankfully maybe like 10 steps behind the bricks yeah i wouldn't i wouldn't fault anyone for just waiting to see if that was the last brick delivery of the day like i you know like brick delivery so it walking in like something is probably alive if that were a vampire they would have just attacked you and they're probably beyond using tools so like unless that was an accident but yeah how high is the ceiling well it's pretty damn dark in there but uh it it's gotta be at least like 15 20 feet up oh wow okay it's like this not a mega church in the sense of you know but like it's this grand like you know levens is going to uh kind of start the race here and he'll say excuse me something smells delicious and he'll uh kind of uh run after this figure that's on uh on the second level and try to like uh go up the up the ladder i think tatiana when chase levens and say you're gonna get yourself killed and she's like trying to keep up with him but he's just very he's young now so he's like getting used to this spry new stamina you know he's a quick chicken dumb with his six intelligence or eight well okay so let me paint a picture for you there is a ladder on the left side as you enter it is on the far side of the wall so you know the the the width of this church is is somewhere around you know 45 50 feet like it's it's pretty you know it's longer than it is wide so it's gonna take a bit to get up this ladder and you're just calling up and climbing right if it's gonna take that long well i mean it depends on my athletics check right maybe you're a natural all right i'll go for it okay 16 ain't bad i'd say you get three quarters of the way up this this this ladder and that means you're the upper half of your body is going to disappear into the darkness um from from joe and tatiana and your feet are just about to disappear into the darkness when you hear um what sounds like a a heavy bolt being fired at blevens from the darkness so someone has a very large crossbow uh and yeah let's let's uh this uh so d20 plus uh two okay so nine it's gonna go wide and miss but the bolt is huge it's it like it's like a hand ballista like it's massive and from the darkness you're gonna hear and this giant crossbow is going to you're gonna hear like a and then it's going to fly out of the darkness and clatter to the floor and break this thing is huge like it looks like it may have been mounted on the city walls as defense or something like that oh wow yeah blevins is uh when the bolt flies flies past he's just gonna go like ah oh i see don't want to share your food do you ambry guide my well he's gonna jump off the ladder and cast fly so he can catch up even faster oh my god can you see not at all okay so okay that gives us a wrinkle here okay well the fly's gonna help at least um never flew blind into the wind okay so so you're gonna leap backwards off this ladder fly so right out of assassin's creed just but except you're actually going to like float upward i guess give me a perception with disadvantage fair enough damn it oof so you're gonna fly forward and eventually you're gonna kind of bump your face into the wall here and realize it's like okay that's as far as that goes you're gonna hear heavy breathing next to you like right next to you and it sounds like they're in pain like it's like like they hurt something firing that crossbow blevins will kind of kind of feel around in the darkness and say hello can you hear me so okay it sounds like are you still flying or are you kind of like looking for ground still flying no idea where the ground is that's fair that's fair so it sounds like below you and a little to the left that that voice just all right what do you want simple friend i want to celebrate he'll fly to the voice jesus god okay can i paint a picture for you zach absolutely okay let's say you're a survivor and you've been in the city for you know as long as they've been in the city for and there's a bunch of ethereal creatures ruling the night right and now someone out of the darkness is flying towards them seemingly happy to it's like oh i just want to celebrate you are either totally insane yes or about to eat them um you're gonna hear like shuffling and the voice is gonna stay back come on man stay back stay back plead it i do not intend to hurt you friend i just want to know more about you what is going on in the city it's so dilapidated no reason to celebrate and i'm i'm here to change that friend where are you i don't know if that's more comforting comforting uh give me a persuasion jesus christ damn wow wow wow wow wow 32 matt 20 wow um that may be the highest role i've ever seen in 5e so congratulations zach you must have like little fear chub going on here's the thing i think it's it's the mention of get you want to get a party going like it's like oh man i want to bring a party vibe back and that heavy breathing's gonna kind of like slow down a bit wait like really you want you like yeah oh friend ambry's will never lies can you see me in this darkness uh no hold up hold up hold up hold up and he you're gonna hear like shuffling around and then like the striker goes off and a torch is going to you know and there is a filthy man crouching next to you um uh you just it's just super pale looks like he's been indoors for quite a while um his dreads are are matted and uh he's covered in marinara sauce just covered in it right like he's been rubbing it in you know so he's extra filthy i'm going with that chicago pizza reference i don't care so just coated in it right like no cheese visible right so there's cheese it's on the tab no it's not no it's not it's underneath the sauce against god's will karen that's and there's a little sprinkled on the top he's he's holding this torch with his right hand and he's he's clutching what appears to be like a like a like a like a lead bell in in his other like he's like cradling it like it's like it's very dear to him as levens gets gets closer and he strikes the light so he can see again he says light warmth all causes for celebration please let me give you a token of my appreciation for your understanding and as he he's getting closer he's going to push kind of almost push the words he said towards him magically and he's going to cast uh healing word on him first level i thought you're gonna wrap him off the scaffold and just kill him uh yeah his shoulders fucked so when you when you heal him like his oh that's good six gorgeous so first of all it looks like he's seen better days obviously and you're gonna see like bits of really stale bread kind of molded over like up here with him and um when you when you heal him his shoulder's gonna loosen up a little bit and he's still gonna be holding this bell for dear life but you can tell that pain has subsided right so he's gonna catch his breath and okay we're okay we're if we're partying did you get rid of all of them is this over are we done well some things are not as easy getting rid of all the vampires is quite a monumental task however we have infiltrated the city looking for survivors like yourself and blevins will get closer and uh he'll get like right up to him in with like no judgment or disgust he'll reach out his hand and try to take his hand in his and say come there are more of us we can help you so when you tell him they're not dealt with and it's like we're making this much noise and they're not dealt with i lit a torch like i thought you you were coming in big dick swinging because well it's all dealt with so it's like yeah it's time to celebrate like that's what it's so there's going to be a moment where he recoils like and then it's like okay they must not be around right this minute and if there's other people maybe we can mount like a defense and um he with his torch hand he's going to reach up and kind of like you know hold your hand to and and stand up trent what what's your name blevins nice to meet you and he's gonna look down um into the the center of the church where like you know some moonlight is is streaming in that's the only you know how many how many other people you got at the moment it's just me and four others capable fighters in their own right blessed followers of ambrey all you should meet them come you'll gently try to guide him back he okay so he's he's looking down and like he's he's just trying it's like okay oh shit you got you got ladies with you i didn't okay hold up hold up hold up you got i gotta i gotta clean up i can't go down there looking like this i've been i've been smearing marinara all over me so they wouldn't pick up my scent but like i can't i can't i have a reputation and i can't go looking like this to them so you got a little presto little spell you can do to get get this off of me i'm afraid lesser pizza salsa myself if you know what i'm saying so i'm afraid my magic is quite direct in a certain way but we have a true mage that could probably handle this for you would you like me to fetch him before you meet the rest of our retinue no no i think it's better if i just uh i'll just play into it you know it's all confidence when you're dealing with ladies i'll show you and he like he's like he's getting into character it almost feels like he's he's like it's like stretching out a little bit excellent and as like we're walking or you know he's he's walking back blevs is starting to do that like a fairy fly thing around him he's just gonna say soon you have much to celebrate and you walk in the light of ambry of course so these rafters like there's not a tremendous amount of room so as you're a full-grown adult like hovering it's not like a nappy thing like you're like he's he's like okay okay okay like it's very just okay hold up okay let me let me go down the ladder first and i'll show you you know you gotta you gotta gotta first of all you gotta make an entrance right if you come down like a regular dude especially like how i look right now you gotta distract ladies because they got real short attention spans so if you give them something flashy then they'll just kind of like they'll be more in awe of that they can look so they they got a deeper sense of self they can look past the marinara so god help me i'm gonna have him roll for this uh he is not incredibly athletic so i'm gonna have him roll an athletics check with a plus two to do the fireman thing of sliding down the ladder instead of taking it down now remember this ladder is 20 feet up so okay but this is his this is his she's all that moment i want us all to be aware right yeah exactly there's slow motion locking of eyes is gonna happen yeah he's gonna take his glasses off let his dreads fly free and you're gonna be oh okay so that's not quite he rolled a six total so he's gonna start sliding down this ladder right marinara is slippery i get it yeah well he's gonna get about five feet down before he realized why he had never tried that before because wooden ladders are splintery and cause friction so he's almost going to fall backwards but his legs are going to stay he's gonna fall through the ladder with his legs so he's going to fall backwards and then kind of like slowly he's almost going to drop the bell and slowly he's going to reach up so what was intended to be this smooth cool descent took three times as long as if he would have just came down the ladder it was not the entrance he would have liked that being said he will finish descending the ladder regularly his palms burning a little and without missing a beat he is going to okay um karen jamie can i get a d20 please mmm jamie with a 13 karen with a three so he's gonna walk right up to joe and he is going to reach for joe's hand up to you if you want to resist but he doesn't appear to like he appears to be like i i think it would almost look like he's going for a handshake and then if yeah if you don't stop him he's going to daintily take your fingers and kind of kiss him like enchanté and just kind of like i must say i have a lady out there for me and she's waiting she is waiting but if i didn't there is something about you that i am drawn to i can't i can't quite put my finger on it but you have similar vibes okay is this man really covered in marinara is there was this just a joke okay it's dried it's dried so it's like blotchy and like it's peeling off in place think the end of predator when arnold covers himself in mud and it gets all dry and stuff like that but it's it's marinara yeah it's old sauce that was canned okay or mason jarred if you like she okay i think she's just gonna see all this red all over him and be like oh my god are you are you bleeding somewhere were you bleeding somewhere are you okay do you need something healed all of that went right over her head no that's fine that's probably better so he without missing a beat is like ah it's fine you should see the other guy though he's so proud of himself he's very much the type of guy to laugh at his own jokes hold up you're are you you're you're like religious and stuff right yes i mean i am a cleric so oh god okay okay and he is going to reach out and hug you like he is going to drape himself over you and he smells but like it's not it's not a sexual hug he's just like it's like it's almost he's relieved like you know what i mean like he is you know this the the the unsure back pat but the wide arms trying not to touch like did i get a constitution saving throw to not throw up i think i think like there's a certain like okay look trent didn't smell good in his prime you add weeks of so that's a nine look we've all i've been in this town for two and a half years we have a tiny grocery store and do you know how many times i have been trapped behind someone who has never heard the word soap in their life and you're stuck there imagine that but coat them in old food and they have dreads and the dreads are moldy oh yeah they gotta be right like they got bread in the beard oh my god you know what actually hold up a second i okay i'm gonna give you one more chance karen you have not been rolling amazingly but i need you to give me a d10 please and we want a high roll not a low roll okay i can't guarantee anything five god it's not bad five's middle of the road so almost in line he's gonna whip forward and hug you right and some of these dreads are just kind of kind of fly up and kind of like kind of like cover you like a comb over for for joe just kind of like like are you wearing a helmet you're wearing a helmet right no oh shit so you're gonna feel it like um you know what cat tails are the plant like imagine they're really long cat tails and they're just gonna like but they're wet so like you're gonna feel it hit you and it kind of wraps around the curvature of your skull and just lays there and he's like on top of you like this like squeezing like oh god thank you thank you he's well they're saucy too they got sauce yeah oh god she's patting him on the back and i we're oh we're here to um we came into the city to see if there were any survivors which um there's you um is there anybody else here i'm gonna roll to see if he lets go uh i he's been a long time for him uh one i'm gonna roll a d6 one through three hell no uh four through six he's gonna get you know hell no one no he's latched on he actually pulls her in closer yeah so what he's gonna do is he's gonna kind of like move his head but as if it's scurrying across your face so he's gonna kind of like and then get his his mouth near your ear oh no there used to be people but like they a few of them like he's gonna whisper so like he's not he don't want to yell in your ear he's not rude but like he's got his fists like bearing into your back it's like they left a while back and some of them got captured but i i've been holding on to the bell and i told them i told them don't leave and i started covering myself in this sauce and no one wanted to be near me anymore they said and i said fine go out and die but i'm the only one who's smart enough to live ain't i so here's the thing i need you to work this bell for me baby please does does this look uh familiar to katiana yeah it does in fact i'm just like in the background watching this whole encounter and i'm just like yeah okay there's a lot about this there's a lot about this uh the setting the uh it's like marinara yeah the dreads definitely it's like i used to run with a guy who he was he was less juicy but like he definitely the same proportions i'm sorry sorry james his sweatpants say juicy on the back of them it's so weird wait wouldn't tatiana recognize trent yes yeah and the bell probably and the bell so okay let's so okay while while pose being gently assaulted um what does tati do i think uh she's gonna let these two have their intimate moment keep it brief um and then she's just gonna do like a light little tap on on trent's shoulder uh try trent and he's he okay i'm gonna turn around and talk to her but it doesn't mean anything okay just just just just keep it just hold on a second and he's gonna turn around oh shit you're alive oh my god baby come here come here bring it in oh okay i'm trying to say pass but i couldn't quite get him off me quick enough that's fine no this is and this is uh there's nothing sexual this is a mutual respect hug so like that's more about the marinera than the hugging you still get that don't worry for me that comes that comes free so he's like i would imagine it's got to be there's got to be a bit that flecked off and it's on the front of joe's armor like it's in the creases type of thing never getting that smell out that's gonna stain okay i these fucking guys went crazy i don't know if you fucking know like okay they all wanted to be fucking vampires and shit i told them that's that severely limits our options for women and they don't get like you're cutting out all ladies who are out during the day all of them all of them i i have to say try i'm not i'm not surprised to see that you would make it through this um good on you she's gonna give him a little pat on the back he would probably let go of you like he's he's like you know almost like a salute you're the defacto leader of the fang now kind of like you're you know like unless put that on my resume it's a dwindling organization until you take charge and really turn things around yeah i mean now's the time for a rebranding maybe like i don't know um all right we could switch to blue sky we'll uh start posting there i don't know massive uh shit okay uh uh last i heard ripley's up in that castle uh he's starting to panic and shit people people aren't people people aren't eating they're not eating and they went fucking nuts so yeah what are we gonna do to fix it captain 100 serious too he's looking to you it's like all right let's go oh no uh and i'm gonna look towards joe i i think right now we're pretty focused on just finding people and getting the fuck out of here yeah they're probably dead probably like if i if i like they're probably dead because they're stupid and they didn't follow me and like i'm a natural born leader but i obviously have to look to one of the og's uh in you to to to to run things i i vote no confidence in ripley if if you're asking uh awkward still take the votes uh yeah um ripley uh he didn't make it trent i also i wouldn't go up on that hill and then maybe there's like a giant roar in the background i don't know there's clearly like something's going on i wouldn't go up there right now trent it is bananas if you thought shit was crazy before there's like 200 vampires fighting some sort of something up there okay so your your fairy friend said you you guys got a group together who else is here who we got who we got uh we've got one more outside is it big like a big guy like packs a punch okay okay that that's great okay so they spent weeks looking for that bell i kept it secret it's been all we got to do is someone who knows uh religious can use it or something and then we can kill everything undead just kill the whole fucking whole bunch of them all dead again you know in theory trent that is a really great idea um i just don't know how holy that bell is anymore because like that's not really a thing anymore she kind of says that under her breath well okay yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know if you subscribe to the new gods or whatever like that's your thing man do your thing i i didn't really subscribe to like the whole old gods thing but like someone will pick it up like you're gonna be the leader the fang someone someone's watching the bell like i'm sure like it'll be fine it'll be fine my valkyrie lady over there is gonna work it and uh when he says that he's gonna look over to joe like kind of give her a little wink lord not even babe ruth in his prime to call shots he just pointed to the moon ah nah she knows um like she can't have it but like there's no sense in not teasing a little bit you know make her wonder what it'd be like you know uh well i mean we should probably go grab our other party member and joe if you want to take a look at the bell i mean i don't really know anything about how all this works so who knows maybe jamison i think it's time we rolled another die uh can you give me a d8 we want high rolls baby that comes i just imagine he's out there with like a parrot vampire it's like trying to buy blood mr finch coat all right hurry up they're gonna be back oh my god that's great yes so we're gonna we're gonna go down to a d6 but that pushed it off like you didn't want a one that's all girl vampires wanted by and he was like nah there's nothing in here guys don't worry about it what are you buying guys covered marinara keep walking ah shit okay style of chicago chicago it's no good uh i'm in good looking out thanks i'm sorry ryan i love you so much we're just teasing like obviously you know i too like soggy lasagna it's fine okay look i'm just teasing jamison said that with hate in his heart i don't know you know what i i've never had it i will try it i will say i would try it but i won't call it pizza do you use a spoon when you eat it honestly i've never had it either but if that's an honest question too but not coming from a hurtful place she's trying to just ask questions like if you look at it if you look at a pizza and you ask if you need a spoon for it it's not sorry i don't make the rules there's no way you're supposed to eat that with your hands though like realistically yeah you're supposed to fold it up and then wear a bib and like you know i don't know it's great never mind i know right look all right should i cut all this up i don't know we'll see look sometimes a man can be on the edge and you don't know i don't want to be the thing like the last straw and he drives to new york here's what you do you cut it out you put it in the behind the scenes and you give it a title like ryan don't listen and then you'll definitely not listen you're right that's good i think that'll result in the least amount of hurt feelings okay so you guys are you gonna call out the funky let's go grab him that type of thing i think i mean he doesn't want to come in the church right so yeah we would walk so what are you doing out there i am keeping watch i'm getting i'm looking he just has like a little pipe with like blood in it boiling oh shit i see you guys so you can see the hill more clearly than you know you don't have telescope eyes or something but you could definitely see the silhouette of something really fucking big clobbering the shit out of the occasional vampire and then you see like right up there yeah yeah like nine or ten it's all qte this is so funny how like this fucking beast is like sensor like it's so vulgar like we can't really see it the problem is we used all our budget at the start of arc five so it's one of those scenes where you only show like a foot of like this gargantuan creature like the the hand swiping our tail yep can't be so okay you go out and join funkyless turns around and looks and he goes that's it like sit full on like looks and sizes him up that's it he's like that but they they left oh good okay well we should go yeah um because that looks like that's gonna be over soon yeah no no no we can't go we can't go we can't go my valkyrie woman is gonna there's gonna fire up this bell we gotta be in the church because that that that's that's a defensible spot and then you do this ritual and it's gonna kill everything undead and then we get to walk out should we just get to walk out that's the most sensible thing yeah he's gonna oh i didn't know i had no idea congratulations the two of you also what yeah hey i'm trent by the way simply hi funkyless sorry even better than i remembered ages like milk he'll reach out to shake your hand but he's not kissing it no he comes with flat out just like don't touch me that's fair that's he's a good sport about it yeah yeah no he knows he knows so get up to the sauce though not him like it can't be him i rolled a two on him but um okay so what are you doing now that you're a valkyrie what's going on uh he wants me to do some ritual with the spells so we can leave but i think we can just leave i don't think we need to do a ritual okay it seems like that thing up there is killing all of the undead and when it's done i don't know if it's gonna matter that we're like not undead so we should probably get out of here all right okay look all right okay tati i too would have walked out of here at one time in my life but i met a woman who turned me all around got me to see things in a totally different light so we gotta make sure that everything that's undead is dead dead and then people can come back and fix the city up and do whatever they're gonna do and i can get a reward maybe i don't know for no reason in particular what's the what's the radius of this crazy thing you're thinking about doing oh shit i don't know i only heard secondhand stories but like i think i wasn't even asking you i'm asking her i'm asking you sorry man that's fine oh i didn't even i would have to can i can i see the bell so i can look at it because i don't think he didn't never gave it to her right no no here you go baby girl and he's gonna like he's gonna he's gonna hand it over i'm so sorry karen it's okay i think i became numb to it actually just now 10 years will do that fine yeah you always roll the lowest is the problem okay give me either a religion or an arcana check oh each one will give you different things both too high can't decide same um plus 10 nope just a plus one okay that's not bad still plus yeah we'll do religion you know i thought if i gave you a taste of tren your roles would improve like a wine and sip it's it's so funny because you're you're a cleric with like no religion you're like ah fuck it yeah i just want to kick ass i figured that on the way yeah anything that wasn't hit dude is like yeah yeah i'll figure that out so that was a one which is a total out there use keeping score of two it seems to be a bell yeah you're gonna so i don't even think you'd recognize okay this is how bad that is okay this is like if you if everyone looked to you because you went to a culinary arts academy right no and then you looked at someone's seasoning shelf and you said what the fuck is oregano like that would be the equivalent orange oh yeah what the fuck is this uh that would like you're gonna look at this and not even recognize the old symbol of vekna like you're just gonna be like ah like that that's how bad it's like who's hey zeus like just totally like fucking so okay i have to imagine rolling a two it's got to be pretty visible on your face that you have no fucking idea what you're looking at right yeah okay tati you're the only one in the party not religious uh not trained in arcana at all but at least you've seen it and know what it does would you like to assist uh i'm not sure maybe if you give karen a push start oh if i tell her what it is yeah yeah yeah like give her the hint and then like let karen roll one more time so this is we we use this uh well a friend a friend of mine use this and it's from this honestly pretty hot it was called vekna do does that ring any bells well from the old gods lots of daddy vibes if i remember correctly from yeah he loved it when you called him big papa yeah oh vekna i see now i see yeah there was a little bit of marinara on here sorry it's like so it's like it's one of those it's like reading a word that you've only ever sounded out in your head and then you realize all your friends look at you like you're a dipshit because it's like oh like you know it's like they correct it's like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah no i know i know that give me one more religion roll please you're gonna do great i'm so excited like when someone says like epitome it's like wait you mean epitome oh yeah exactly karen kept buying a technicality really should be i was more into small engine repair that was my a lot of electives that yeah whatever i was undecided for so long all right well that's a total of six so we've all right joe is going to have the vaguest possible recollection of one of her instructors once talking about this relic but most of that lesson has probably been erased with the lyrics of never going to give you up like there's like there's just it see i remember he was really stressed begging us not to forget it or something that's all i can remember yeah god damn it is is that the words the ritual do i need but like it's just not it it's just not coming to you like it's homecoming was that night it's all over it is a church though maybe you'll find some kind of religious text that'll help hmm can can i can i see that i don't want to touch it can you just hold it oh sure i want to roll arcana on it just one just grabs it just holding it is yeah it just evaporates yes uh i'll let you do that or history because technically you are history i am history maricon is better though so let's do it you are the brute squad oh my god see karen that is a double digit role we like those in this game uh that's a 23 total and watch she's gonna bang it out of the park when it really counts you're gonna see yeah totally guys i hate to say it she's the next one up for the vampire role so like hey i don't need to hit double digits with that just so i'm clear like you know just mentally we've been standing like basically out in the open and she's just staring at the throw like like yeah i don't imagine you guys are just yelling in town square like you're it's like okay you know what i mean like you're you're secreted away a little bit but like yeah you're outside um okay arcana check one you're gonna pick off some major juju coming off this thing it's a powerful relic it's completely innate right now but uh obviously just going by what tati said and what trent has reliably given you uh this thing can be activated and there's a ritual and can i get a history check from you there's there's another piece of information oh that's okay that's okay that's okay seven um so you're not up on the lore of this thing you're like yeah there's a fucking there's there's like seven dozen of these ancient relics floating around and this is a religious thing i don't care but you know he only wants to know how powerful it is like what like if this thing goes off how far away do i need to be well with this you'd know that the ritual takes a little bit to set up and it takes a bit to cast but once it casts this thing could blow up the whole city and kill every undead like we're talking within a mile or two okay okay a mile or two that's good even the undead they're just kind of chill and every undead now the handsome undead that we like yeah um so tati would know that there is an epicenter to the casting and if you're in the center of it where it's being cast you're no one's affected so as long as you stick to close to the bell you would be fine and she might know like broad strokes of what the ritual would be but not the details like she'd be like oh i remember you know they sort of drew something on the ground and like meditated or said some weird words but like yeah you are much more if memory serves this was eight or nine years ago yeah you were much more in a sniper's role exactly so yeah that was a that was a cauldron thing it's interesting though because i was wondering i was like well if that is not a thing anymore would this thing even have any power because like it seems to that's interesting yeah it's got something in there something in there i mean we're all standing here staring at this bell what are we thinking gang i think i know that i don't have the capability to help you but joe yeah i don't i i i hesitate to do anything with this uh without uh some form of instructions um i really just would hate to have it backfire on us that's the thing that could happen she's saying like she knows exactly what this thing is well with anything this powerful if you use it uh poorly or wrong yeah that's that's right well like first of all baby girl i can rub your shoulders during the entire process keep you real loose real loose seriously you haven't lived till you felt trent it did come with a book though like not for nothing i mean shoulder rub first but like if you want the book like there's a book that came with it i just don't speak whatever language this is i speak most common but like not all common hey trent go get the book it's up in the rafters man you sure i'm gonna go get it all right let's go get it is he still just flying oh yeah oh yeah that did run out eventually but i like to think like he's he's in it for the full rotation like he it's like minutes though like yeah i mean we've had to have eaten up okay you know what let's say you got a bit more in you want to fuck you yeah so this is like a child who pumped in eight quarters for the little horsey thing and you're just like riding like forever perpetually even until like you know like that child like like five seconds after it's done he's just doing it on his own like you know you just just trying to get a little bit more oomph out of it so let's say lemons zips zips back in there grabs uh grabs a book kind of like there's a little red marinara handprints on it and stuff uh but does anyone speak abyssal oh let's check so there's two languages in this thing there's abyssal and celestial i speak abyssal i speak abyssal holy shit common elvish and abyssal it's been here this whole time i speak do you know how many languages there are and you just happen to what a weird and what the best character to have to translate so lemons he comes flying out with this book and he's like he's just been slowly reading it like a casual book on like you know on a train station just trying to pass the time to work he's he's just flying out reading it kind of laying back like floating coming back to the party and he says this is fascinating what do you think about this anybody if you hand it off to somebody it's like like it's just fucking gibberish like nothing huh no one can read it seems so i like to imagine the first half of the book is the abyssal and then if you flip that you get to the spanish side like you you know so i can only interpret about half of this book does anybody know celestial no sorry well we have about half this book to work with uh can i kind of interpret what the first half of the book says to anyone so essentially you need to set up in a holy place you need to um there's stuff you get to draw and things but other than that it's channeling arcane energy into this thing uh in you know in in like for like you you have to it's it's pretty religious but like you could just pump in arcane stuff so you're doing it to destroy undead creatures and all that stuff think of it as if turn on dead were a shotgun so the nuke yeah basically and the only thing so this tells you how to do the ceremony and you get a bonus for the first couple of it's a skill check challenge if anyone recalls get a bonus for the first couple but you don't have the instructions for the rest so it's on your own you got a raw dog it as a route to do so uh blevins will say first things first we need to establish religious ground what do you think about this church here seems to work it's a little dilapidated dilapidated don't know if uh that holy magic is still intact but better than nothing uh an old girl still got it i'm telling you church is a girl of course are we really considering doing this i with every intention of coming back here to help people totally um but we do have like a just a straight shot right out of this town we could just go i will say i remember the last time it drew a lot of attention trent's gonna walk up to joe and he is going to place his hands on her shoulders he's gonna be like hey look at me baby look at me look at me up here come on all right there you go all right now you listen to me you are a powerful strong capable woman and you can do this i'm telling you i know winners i only ride with winners so you're gonna go in there and you're gonna cast this goddamn ritual like no one's ever cast it and you're gonna kill every fucking undead in this entire city okay and i'm i'm telling you you gotta kill my old crew like they're like i used to i used to be friends with some of these guys i gotta kill them okay i'd like to make a perception roll just to see it at sea it isn't over where i'd free will you can you could absolutely send it but i want to see if if you know if the pep top is working just if it's any good if if he got close to you and your brain shut down because of the smell let's see like you know he's got a plus three for persuasion oh okay charming okay that's very good 17. oh god because they are trying to do good joe i just wanted to get in and get out look you guys didn't come you didn't have to come back in to rescue me but you risked everything to get to me and i am forever grateful i want to pass that on though okay like i don't know i'm guessing tati formulated operation rescue trent and i am very thankful tati thank you but if we kill all these things and i can get back to my lady i'll owe all of you also i'm gonna need help finding my lady but that's that's different that's later that's later trent just gonna look over to blevens you can read that like really read that the first half yes okay but what about what what do we do about the second half what we've been doing since we've been here of course trusting in ambrey she will guide us through our journey we were sent here for this exact moment i am sure you cannot hear the whispers that i hear constantly but you must feel it in your heart the pull of her will this is what we must do i think i gotta cast fly again to float to get my point across don't use all those precious guys i'm out of spell slots but i am buoyant as fuck like you don't even know i'm jumping up my feet are rested i want to roll a wizard but only use fly like i just want to travel like magneto everywhere but do nothing else yeah um fonculous is going to do something i'm going to do subtle spell and message just like i used to do to ian um and um tatiana is going to hear funky lisa's voice in her head uh and he's gonna say if they do this i'm gone and he's just like doing that thing where he's just staring at her well it's not lost on everybody that you're a vampire i know he's saying he's gonna leave except trent yeah yeah trent hasn't figured it out yet even though i have freaking dracula cape but that's fine trent yeah trent trent it's too distracted by his Valkyrie lady okay honestly yeah i don't even fault him it's fine meanwhile she's got the bell upside down scratching her head i think it's a cup guys it's not you make holy water right i think tatiana would walk over closer to fonculous and just sort of scooch down she's gonna take a knee and be like still be looking down yeah yeah still be looking down fonculous i'm pretty sure that like if you're within radius you should be fine like you don't have to worry about getting obliterated or anything that's what she's gonna think you meant yeah you're you're pretty sure though still in her head i mean i can't read that i can't read that book she can't read that book you know who can read that book kind of yeah uh a little dirty elvish but like not you know yeah uh hey guys if they realizing you know that's a that's a really really valid point there hey levens josephine i don't know maybe we have to think about everyone in our party here but maybe they might not have you know the constitution to to get through such a spell oh shit wink wink nudge nudge no trent's gonna like hold a hand up i'm i'm real sorry shit i look that's the old trent talking and he's gonna walk up to funkyless and he's gonna get on one knee he's gonna put both his hands on your shoulders and take a step back he's gonna like lean in a bit to kind of look doesn't matter how short you are big guy okay you you're gonna get through this just like all of us we need every little bit of you in there swinging we need big chief okay i'm gonna roll persuasion just to see if you don't slit my throat but like that's what i just rolled so if you beat that oh fuck me okay well no i'll do it so right okay cool that's a 14 to your 16 so he's dead all right so no so so what funkyless does is as soon as he finishes everything he's saying funkyless does that does like a big you know like i mean you've all seen lilo and stitch you know when he opens his mouth and it's this like huge smile yeah he just does that and just shows his fangs you're gonna feel him one by one loosen his fingers like off of you okay all right so did they like did they bite you when you were a child and you can't get any bigger is that like is like is that what we're dealing with here man because i i feel really sorry for you you never even hit puberty or any oh my god i could have told you so many things about the fairest sex but i can't now because i would be i'd be on the list joe give me a reason to stand here and continue to listen to this fool or we're leaving he kind of looks at joe he's like i'm being super sensitive here callie would get me listen i both both ways get to the same conclusion right we leave here you know be using this bell is maybe the right thing to do but the hard thing so i i just don't know because we don't know half of the ritual so i think that means maybe we should just go i mean we can always come back right right we can always come back figure out the we can give this to somebody else who could actually do it i'm down for a break bloodens just cuts through everything like a knife and he says we made a deal please do not presume you are here on your own free will sure friends i like the plant are you good bloodens yes what's wrong i just kind of kind of zoned out there for a second oh that happens made a long day i say we complete the ritual karen yeah can i get a d6 please yeah now hold on the six is haunting me what's the over under on this guys what do you think what do you think i think there's no chance the world's higher than a two i'm sorry karen yeah three only if you believe in stats like yeah i mean but i'm do i'm do guys i i smell a one i'm not i this has nothing to i just smell i think fate this we're dealing with something greater than us i smell a one i want to be wrong i want to believe karen i think that's just the trenton you talking all right here we go oh fuck you right in your fucking face i stand corrected i was very sorry about that person no no no i deserve it and more uh so we're down to a d4 but it's gonna be a little while before we have to roll that so yeah that the thing on the hill is is starting to wrap up and the problem is who's ahead well uh it's gotten to the point where he has punched and kicked so many of these things and they fly off but you're guessing that doesn't fully kill them so they're just kind of like in a different place so some of them run back some and he's getting kind of bored with the them jumping on his back and biting you're just seeing this monstrous silhouette uh so you're getting the sense that's like i don't think he's as enthusiastic as he was 10 minutes ago or so so his heart's not in it guys yeah what's the fun of clobbering something if they get back up maybe he's just try eating them it's too many it's like a like a bowl full of peas you really want to chow through all that so yeah funculus is gonna like level a pretty sort of even just stare at blevens and just say are you going to do this if it's within my power i would love to and you know yeah meta gaming you guys could tag team it being is how he can read the book yeah that'll just be one less person on the front lines should things get dicey but what i can promise you funculus is i will have your well-being on the forefront of my mind throughout the whole process it means we feel a lot better thanks you've been a dear ally since we've landed back on this world so he looks at joe are you gonna help him i think if we can do it yeah i think like i said before that it's the it is the right thing to do i hate i hate to engage hatred we all hate trent that's okay no i said hey trent oh oh oh that's me i know okay yeah he's like yeah baby girl he's so proud of you do you think that there is anybody else in the city that can help because if what tatiana is saying and that this ritual attracts things i don't know if you've looked around um but we are not that buff here so do you do you think there's anyone else hiding that maybe we can recruit i mean yeah i mean i don't know but here's the thing there were and then they then they ran out i always believe that it's the size of the fight in the dog but that's just me like look i'm down for the calls whatever you guys need honestly look little man over here i'm gonna guess you've known him for a while and trust him because like he's he's he's a vampire and that's all the vampires i've ever met have been dickheads but i i'm willing to let him bite me if he gets all crazy vamped up and that could help us because like i don't i don't have demon powers or whatever he's got and if i can help then i'd like to help also i'm a crack shot with a crossbow all right jen that was a got a little racist there but you saved it in the end um trying to be better can you work that giant thing that was up there oh wait tati didn't see that never mind i mean it did fall into the church after like okay never mind it's your call i feel like the party split on a decision i defer to the magic users i can only help with my bow from i i can i can snipe again that's about it do you know what i think we should do i feel like joe is one foot out the door and i get it because up until now she's been saying things like is mayonnaise an instrument and like i you know like i it's a spongebob reference give me one more religion check to see if you pick up anything for this spell here comes the nat 20 i believe oh my god oh it's a six uh she tried to think back to the remedial cleric classes she took she actually forgot things about it uh i really did not did not roll well on this character i'm starting to understand why you died instantly the first run out i i am starting i love you so much but you are the least religious cleric i've ever seen short of smoking crack in front of orphans like i don't know what you could do to be a lesser influence on that being said we have a call to make either you walk out of this city now or you're right next to the church and you go for it i'm gonna roll i'm so i'm so 50 50 on this whoa whoa whoa before you roll let us know oh what what are the parameters i mean i think less than a 10 is i'm gonna i'm gonna give myself some grace here i'm gonna say less than a 10 as we do it hoping that this is my high roll okay so you're due right you can't roll that many times in a row exactly it's it's gonna be a six um wow all righty yeah i i think that i'm just not comfortable doing this at this point in time um unless one we had somebody who could read the rest of this book and maybe somebody who could swing a sword or something i mean i prefer a crossbow but i have handled many a blade can you read the rest of this book reading a trans thing but i don't uh look okay look look look if if i told you something that could have come up 20 minutes ago oh my god trent would you get mad at me you gotta promise not to get mad at me you know what trent we just met how could i have expected you to have trust me enough just tell me something that important so quickly that's what i'm saying baby girl that's all it's just a game i may have something that can help a little bit not a lot so okay when everyone started going fucking nuts and like giving themselves over to the countess trent came down i'm trying uh ripley came down and said look we're all gonna go up there and like hand ourselves over and the problem is i smelled a fucking rat right away and a lot of those people went up and they ended up being food right so trent wasn't having it briefly tried to get me to go up one time and he bribed me with something and i i didn't have any use for it because i don't i don't like reading all that much but it's a coin and it he says it's shitty and don't work but it's supposed to translate something and you're gonna be like do that what you will i don't i don't i don't know if it works and i didn't test it because i don't care can can i can i see the coin do you have it i gotta roll oh my god thank you okay so i need to tell you right now d20 that's an 18 so good trent is shining through if it was a one through a three he's like it's in my front pocket and he was gonna lift his hands up so you can go so he didn't do that though he didn't do that as good so he's gonna he's gonna get it and he's gonna hand it over and it's this uh it's like a half inch thick silver coin uh with deep etchings all over it he's gonna hand it over to you i'm trying to buy fruit with it and no one wanted it okay i'm gonna look at the coin uh well okay shit give me an arcana check god damn it i roll with the fucking it's magic karen i know that's half the game i don't know what to do holy shit that was almost a 20 yeah it's missing the zero yeah turn that's a three total all right does joe get that vacant expression again when she looks at it yeah i don't know if it ever left i don't know give me that give me the coin that's a three total for everyone out there oh god you know what i rolled high when it mattered that's all i'm saying okay i just want to point out jameson rolled a six and got a 13 so you know what times modifiers are the the real heroes you know i'll have to remember that for our next level up so okay you're gonna recognize this as a trick coin kids used to have uh back in the day and it was a way to keep notes secret by uh translating it into a random language um the reason they didn't sell very well is it always translated into a language that someone somewhere could read right it wasn't like oh it it's hidden now it's like yeah dude i speak elvish fuck you like it you know so they just kind of fell out of fashion but um it it it only works twice it translates it into a different language than back to the original hmm but it has so there's like no no it's still got the charge it's just you know it's there's like a one in 20 chance that this could help you by translating it into a random language someone here speaks okay uh give me that book and you'll go to blefton's please we'll hand it over all right uh what do i have to do to activate this i'm the which which is the half you can't read first of all celestial celestial which half is that i can't read either of these that would be the back half uh okay so the closer that's the yeah that feels important okay edgy to bring you in so do i have to like use a spell slot to activate this thing or no no no no it's got it built in it's think of it as battery operated so you're all you got to do is like rub the little thing and then flip the coin and then you're gonna roll a d20 now there is a chance that it translates it into the language it already is no one of these things went out of fashion they're not great 19k it's like it's like one or two common shit i should have had my my table up i did who knew dwarvish so i think elisa might might have uh oh god damn it character okay here's the thing there are three main languages on alara and obviously the common is predominant but elvish and dwarvish are two of the oldest races so it's a bit like spanish in that most people if they're going to try to learn another language take like it's like yeah i took dwarvish for a year or elvish for that type of thing so it you know biblioteca and that'll get you to the library but like here's here's what we're gonna do everyone's gonna roll a d20 if anyone rolls a 19 or a 20 you could read every third word let's be no no one here knows dwarven dwarvish 19 how's that two 19s in a row karen you're doing great um i'm not even telling him what i mean for me no you're you're playing um you're here i'm participating spirit yeah uh so the guy who wants to get the fuck out of here can now read every third word so you're you're kind of drifting it's like oh that's horse oh church like you can kind of read like it's like liblioteca got it all right exactly it's like i know all the curse words in this like it's you know what i mean like it's you just like you're just reading like uh if your name is honey hugs you are fucked i'll see you guys fuck you um so yeah he's got the book he's got the coin and he and he's just like you know what here we go and he's gonna walk into the church bring me the bow okay okay okay i was not expecting that okay well it's so that's your final answer you're doing it yeah he's gonna do it he's gonna start it at least okay guys i think that's a good time for us to wrap up and the next session one way or the other is going to be our last for arc five oh oh deja vu for me i listeners out there could you do me a favor whenever you hear this i want you to go into our discord and i want you to tag karen and i want you to say something nice to her to potentially change her luck because someone somewhere has said something uh filled with curses to her and she cannot roll above an eight yeah she got to five on a d6 and that was stellar uh that was the equivalent of a 19 what do you guys think your odds are yeah there's no click whores this time so just there's a million vampires yet true you might want to go back and listen to that uh i was gonna say it's really it's really fuzzy i'm not gonna lie it was it was tense and that was with a six-person party yeah i i remember but it was in a week too there were tons of demons yes yeah yes there were flesh mounds and clickers and all kinds of stuff so all sorts of crazy shit there was so you got a few minutes before everything runs off that hill and start this so like you know once the yeah good thing i'm all stocked up on radiant spells do you know what's fun we need to roll to see if the thing attacking them is undead as well because if it is then you might get its attention i don't know oh fun that'd be interesting that would be interesting you're right i'm still hurting from the last whatever there's they're on top of the hill fighting they're all and daily hey you guys hear that fucking sound it's really pissing me off let's just go take care of it is that a joke start mobbing together