Off the Chain

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- Howdy everybody out there. Welcome to another episode of Dungeons and Randomness. Man, we have a fantastic one for you today. I'm really excited. We finally got to catch up with the Ravens and as you may know, some things are heating up. Before we get to that, I just wanted to give Golden Alchemy Kratts another shout out. They were kind enough to sponsor today's video and if you haven't checked them out yet, they are a husband and wife team that creates laser cut jewelry, home decor and of course tabletop accessories. That's right. If your ears pricked up out there, they should.

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Without further ado, let's get on with the show. (groaning) Let's do that thing where we go around the table and introduce ourselves. I'm Jason, I'm the Dungeon Master going around the table. Starting with Susan. Hi, I'm Susan. Not sure if you remember me, it's been a while. I play Tamika Fildihan, the shifter sorcerer. And Brianna. Hi there guys, I'm Brianna. I've missed you all very, very much. And I play runes via Seidan, barbarian monk. And Jasper. Hello, I'm Jasper. I play Petrichor Mulch, the Venali druid. And last and certainly not least, our glorious leader, Alex.

Hi, I'm Alex. I play Kanan, the human warlock who only has two spell slots. That's all you need. Yeah, you just need two wheels on a sedan. It's not the number of spell slots, it's the emotion of the ocean. Oh, you're right, you're right. Emotion of the ocean, okay. Well, this emotion is a fifth level emotion for each spell slot. Not to belabor the point, but it has been 119 days since our last session. That's a lot. So I'm going to ease you guys back into it, don't worry. Okay. I've, you know, I don't get rusty at this. I know you guys, you know, you might.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, all right. Ouch, that's an accusation. No, no, no, not ouch. The thing is, I'm never not doing this, so. (laughing) Fair. Let's start things off. We've spoken to a demon of sorts, right? We've, a soul was signed away and you've been given an assignment. You remember what that assignment is? Do you want to tell the class? Stop whatever's being risen here from being risen. Sure. Is, coming out of this, you guys are in the middle of this underground, giant burial chamber thing. There are cultists floating about. One of you was incapacitated and then, holy shit, I almost said Maddie.

Oh my God, it's been way too long. We were just talking about her to be fair. Yes, we were. In Baldur's Gate. So Tamika goes in after and ends up signing her soul away to fix you. Yeah, I mean, is there a conversation after that? Like at the very least for runes in Petrichor, like is there kind of a, hey guys. Am I still unconscious? Oh no, you're back. I would say like, okay, we could do this. We can pick up right as you're both kind of coming back. Like, you know. Okay, Tamika is probably crying. Oh. 'Cause if I remember correctly, she was crying and she was like, please just save him, please just save him, I'll do anything.

I'll give you whatever you want. So she probably wakes up and has tears running down her eyes and then she'll realize she's awake and just crawl. Or are we standing up? Where were we unconscious? Did we fall over? Almost positive Petrichor was holding you. Okay. 'Cause you guys were both passed out and I think that we were still walking, if I recall correctly. You were in the middle of a hallway, yeah. Yeah, so he was definitely carrying you and when you come back, he's still holding you. And Tary, Tary basically created, caused like blunt force trauma to the guy.

Turn around the corner. Yeah, it's desperate times. He didn't make the best, he may not be great under pressure. Like, I don't know. We're gonna see. How much pressure do you think, like he might be great under regular amounts of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's been under a lot of pressure. A lot. A lot of pressure for a long period of time. Yeah. You know what? The work experience he's gotten here, unmatched. Easily, easily. He's not gonna come in first year. They're gonna put him into the next level. He's not entry level at all. No, no, no. Yeah, you have definitely paid him in exposure.

(all laughing) Right. He's rich, he doesn't need anything else. Come on. We'll provide references. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. That's the fucking least you can do. (all laughing) Ruins will give him a written reference. (all laughing) It's a rock. It's one of Ruins' rock. It just says, it's like the rock that represents good. Like, you know. Yeah. It has a thumbs up. But you're not really sure if it's that or if it's a thumbs down. 'Cause it just depends on how you hold it. Yeah. Just maybe puts an arrow next to the phone to try to make it more clear. Like, no. (all laughing) That's a great reference.

I know it. Yeah. All right. So the point is, when there was one set of footprints that was Petrichor carrying you. Yeah. And Petrichor is going to, I guess we're, let me make sure. I know it's been a while. Just making sure we sort of set this stage. We're heading down hallway. We're moving towards this area here. You saw where the chain was leading. Okay. You had a chance to see that this dips way down into a much larger chamber and everything. So you would kind of pull back and that's when all of this happened. All right. So if Petrichor has Tamika close by, he's going to feel something, right?

You know, starting awake and tears and sniffling, whatever, right? Runes is holding Tamika. Oh, you said Petrichor earlier. I'm sorry. I thought it's been a, it's, I thought you said Petrichor. I heard, yeah, I heard Petrichor too, sorry. Yeah. I got it. Runes is holding her. Wow. I probably did say Petrichor. And my mind will fix it. It was like, yeah. 'Cause you were like, what do you mean? My mind just agree with you because you know better than I do. So I'm just kidding. No, I can't runes. So Petrichor. I'm an idiot anyway. Well, okay. Me and Nimbo. Oh no. Fine.

Runes is gonna probably feel something move. Yeah. I just wanted to set you up there. (laughs) I thought you meant like emotionally. You were like, yeah, he's really in tune. Yeah. (laughs) But yeah. Okay, so when she's okay, he's gonna like probably follow his knee and like he's holding her and he's just gonna give her a hug and comfort. Like the second he realizes you're crying, which should be right away, he would just start cradling you and like waiting for you to calm down, like petting the back of your head and just like. So there'd probably be like initial outbursts of tears.

And then as she's being held and realizing that it's runes, 'cause it's a familiar hug, she's going to realize that she's out of wherever they were and go, "Kanaan, Kanaan, is he okay?" And then like pull away and look for Kanaan. Petrichor, would you like to be holding Kanaan? Yeah, Petrichor is cradling Kanaan's. Petrichor will, putting something really quickly together, he'll just start scrambling towards Kanaan as well. Just like, okay, right? Are you okay? Boss, boss, boss, boss, boss. Yeah, he's like, he's laying there. Kanaan is laying there. I would assume on his back, just eyes kind of fluttering open and he lets out the biggest sigh, like, and kind of gets up, like somebody who's just had a rough night of drinking, he gets up very slowly and then turns to look at, I would, I assume would be the direction where Tamika and runes are.

And he just like shakes his head like, why'd you do it? And he's looking right at Tamika. All right, I don't know what just happened, but we don't got a lot of time here. I'm telling you, what is going on? I'll get up. We got like a full rest, I guess from this, or what happened when we leveled up? Like, are we still missing stuff? So I would count this as a one-time full rest for the party because, you know, something pretty substantial was given and it's pretty much like the slap on the butt, go out there, go team kind of thing. Yeah, he put some smelling salts under me and Tamika's nose.

He's like, get back out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then he'll get up and like, he'll get up thinking he's hurt and then he'll realize like, nope, not hurt at all. And he'll look at Petrichor and back to Tamika and say, well, Tamika saved me. She, and he's gonna like kind of side eye her. She did something she shouldn't have done, but that doesn't mean I'm not grateful. I had to, I messed up. He was going to be brain dead. I had to, I had to, I had to. All right, Petrichor's going to look at runes, like quizzically, like, listen, y'all okay? Are you back? Can we get the hell out of here now and can we get your help to do it?

Because if so, I don't care what happened. We'll sort it out later. I'm sure we'll work it out. But right now, boss, Tamika, runes. It ain't good, whatever's going on down here. So if you know something, tell us. I was going to look at Tamika and he'll nod and he'll say, well, my benefactor, he actually wants us to stay down here and then fix the bad stuff. And he kind of says this like, like with a little squirm, like, like it hurts to say the words. Cause he's like, this is a terrible, it's a terrible idea. It's a terrible plan. But there's, now that there's two of us under his thumb, there's no way we can't do this kind of deal.

He's like, yeah, he just squirms as he says it. And I know it's, it's an ideal, in ideal. He'll look at Terry, whoever Terry is. - Holding dog, I would imagine. He's got to hold something. - And you know, big guy, again, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. We can always get you out of here if you need to. - How would we get him out of here? Cause I'm going with him. - Don't we still have the, don't we still have that teleport thing? - That was a one-time deal, wasn't it? - Yeah, it's, he would, he would be quick to be like, yeah, that would be kind of an all or nothing situation.

- You got any more of those? - I didn't think I'd ever have to use the one. - Okay, well, and there's no other way to say this, but Tamika saved my life by indebted herself to the patron I have. And he's going to look at ruins. Cause like he's gauging, he's going to gauge us like, please don't beat me up. Like, he's going to make sure. - This whole time, like after Tamika is better enough that she can pull away, he's just been kind of petting her hair and trying to comfort her. And he hasn't looked away from her since she woke up, basically like he's just been looking at her.

But when Kanan says that he's going to snap his head over real quick and then look back over to Tamika and lower his head to look her in the eyes and just hold her gaze for a little bit. - I had to, I had to, he was going to be essentially dead. I did that. I had to fix it. I had to. - He's going to take his hands and put them on your cheeks. He's going to use his thumbs to wipe away the tears that were dried there and pull you into a hug. And he's going to hold you very tightly, but his arms are shaking. (Kanan groans) And you just hear over and over again, I had to, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I had to, there was no other way. - Yep, Kanan's going to look at Petrichor without missing a beat, just like, not ignoring what's happening, but kind of just like moving on. I know this is really bad. And if you and Tary want to get out of here, that's perfectly fine, but I really could use you for this. - I don't have anywhere to go. I'm just yanking your chain. He's going to point up at the chain. (all laughing) If we could get out of here, we'd all get out of here. There's no way in. We just got to plow through, boss. We came here for a reason.

The reasons have continued to change, no doubt, but we're here for a reason, whatever it might be. - Two things. One, it was a partial throwaway joke, but Tary is holding dog because dog would make twice the noise that anyone else would because it's four of Paul's. So she's getting held, but dog is also a big poofy thing. So it looks pretty ridiculous. (all laughing) - Good, that's important. - For clarification, Tary would be like, okay, so what do we got to do? Like, what's the thing? Like, what are the prerequisites? How do we get out then? - Well, he's going to keep, I'm going to keep looking down the opposite end of this hallway to make sure nobody's coming.

You know, he's very much aware. He's keeping an eye out. - There are still two unconscious bodies, a good deal back. - Oh, shit. - Down the hallway, like a good deal. Like they're quite a ways away. - In the direction where more people could potentially come from or behind us? - Yeah. - Okay. - So the only thing in front of you is essentially, this is almost like a cliffside almost. Like there's a big drop off. - Okay. - And yeah, back down that hallway, there'd be ways to get down there or up. And that's where the bodies are. - Okay. - People, they're not bodies yet.

I mean, they are bodies. - They're bodies of life, people who are unconscious. - Very unconscious. - Kanan is going to look to petrichor, runes, and Tary. Okay, let's move these bodies. And I'll explain to you what I think my patron wants because he's very spotty when it comes to details. It's kind of his thing. Tamiga can agree with me, she was there. I mean, now, you know, it's nice to have someone else see that his instructions are pretty shit, to be honest. - Petrichor is just going to be putting his hand up like, "Shh, you want us to move bodies? We move bodies, just tell us what to do." Like, you know, his point is, you can explain all you want to about your warlock stuff.

You told me to move a body, I'm gonna move a body. - That's actionable. I like having an actionable thing to do. Runes is not going to be doing that, though. - Okay, I would say that we've, if we can, put the bodies in one of those empty rooms that we were in, where we came in from, 'cause no one else is going in there, from what I remember. - The goal being to basically get them out of the way, right? Just like stick them in a big urn or wherever we can find it to throw them in for a bit. - Put them in that room and hide them in an urn or something. But there's gonna be a point, I would assume when we're moving the bodies, that Kanan whispers to Petrichor, do he like, and he puts his fingers across his throat, like, or do we just tie them up?

- Dude, I don't know what, number one, I don't even know who they are. I don't know if they're trying to help us. - No. - I doubt it. - I can, he's gonna put his hand up. I can tell you right now, Petrichor. - Fair enough. - They're not helping us. They're not helping anyone, but whatever they're trying to summon from that pit over there. - No, I'm not, I'm not, let's just throw them wherever we can, make it harder for them to get out of it if they were to wake up, but I'm not killing anybody right now. If there's anybody I'm gonna kill, let's get out of here and they're not in my way.

- No, I agree with you. All right, that's fine. All right, just making sure we're on the same page, big guy. - I am. - Not trying to hit him. I just need to find some alignment. It's been, it feels like it's been a while since I've talked to anyone. I know it's only been minutes since I was unconscious. - When you go through one of those otherworldly, time messes up. It feels weird. - So I guess we, I mean, if I have any rope, tie them up as best we can. Put them in this room and hide them behind some stuff. And just for extra measure, K'Nan's gonna drop an elbow on one of them.

- Just one of them. (laughing) So, okay. So there are two of these people, right? Now, one of them was definitely knocked out by Terry. I need to see, he hit him real hard and I kind of need to see if that is lethal or not. And I thought about this and I don't want it to be, and he surely doesn't want it to be. - Yeah. - So on a scale of one to 10, 10 being outright death, how hard did he clock him? - Our first roll back, everybody. - I think I should roll this, right? - Yeah. - That's fucked, but. - All right. - Oh, okay. - Good, good, good. - Two, okay. So definitely, so this is like a clean, like broad side of this.

It's not like a big piece of jutted stone where it clocks him at the temple or something. So terrible, obviously. He's probably concussed, but not dead. You're not coming back to like a big pool of blood or something, that would be awful. So there are two bodies though. And there are, they came from kind of a room around the corner here, which goes down a hallway. - Anyone trained in perception? Can I get a perception check please? - I am not trained. - I am not trained. - Oh shit. - I got 12. - I forgot, are you trained? - You're trained, oh my God, you're a spotter and you don't have the ability to speak vocally.

(all laughing) - Terry's trained. - I mean, I have perception. - Ooh. - Just not proficient. - I feel like when Po put this team together, he really didn't look at like all our tertiary abilities. He just looked at like our surface abilities, kind of like, okay, he does this, they do that. - They will work. - They'll work. - The thing is, here's the thing. Yes, you're correct. This is the definition of a plane goes great until it's put into action. Like the very second you guys took off, things just got, just woof. So these guys are pale, pretty goddamn pale, like really pale.

And you're gonna see that they have bite marks kind of all over them. However, they still have heartbeats and they're still like, so there's a couple of things here that could be. One, they're just being used as blood bags, right? Two, they could be like familiars. Like they could be, it's like an indentured servitude. It's like you work for us until such time as you've earned the right to become a vampire, which is ironic because that's probably coming from some like ninth generation shitty vampire anyway. But yeah, they didn't sound like hardcore evil.

They sounded like grunts, right? And they're wearing big black, dark robes and stuff. So we're dragging. We're gonna drag them back into this. It's just a small room. There are like chairs and stuff. It's almost a break room to be honest. But it's mostly, you'll see like little beds and things in here like cots. Now I need to, now I need a roll from you. And what I need is a D20. Now this is kind of like a travel die. In that, the lower the roll, the bigger the monkey wrench I'm gonna put into your situation currently. The higher the roll, the more advantageous things are gonna break in your favor.

With that being said, I need a volunteer. And I think our glorious leader should pick someone. - Oh, you want me to pick someone? - I don't wanna do it against someone's will. So I'll just, okay, obviously Bree doesn't wanna do it. So I won't pick you, Bree. You're out of the running. So it's either Jasper or Susan. Whichever one of you feels the strongest tonight, please. - I don't feel strong, but I do feel that I often don't roll and I'm happy to take this one. - Okay. - Susan, I feel like you've done this a few times. - Yeah, and I think Alex has picked- - You don't get that fucking jingle juice out of the frame.

Hold up, no. Whoa. - Get the shit out of here. (laughing) - What? I've never seen that before. - What? - Get it out of here. I've never seen anyone do that before. Get it out of here. You know what you're doing, you gross bitch. That's disgusting. - Her sodium levels were low, Jason. - She needs a sodium. - All done. Don't worry, it's gone now, sir. - You're fucking done all right. - Now I just have pickles and they're dry. - Yeah. (laughing) - Was that a full jar of pickles when you started it tonight? Did you just sort of- - No. - Okay, thank God. - It had pickle juice in it and pickles and then I filled it up with water a little bit so that it was full.

- Oh, I see. I see what you did there. (laughing) - And then it was my delicious treat for a while. - It wasn't pickle juice that you were drinking. It was watered down pickle juice. - Yeah. - Yeah, regular pickle juice is a little too strong. - Oh really? (laughing) - Water down pickle juice. (laughing) - I wonder why. - Just right. - It was like about halfway, a little bit more than halfway full of pickle juice. And then I filled it up with water and drank it. And Elle told me to do it. She was like, "You should drink the pickle juice." And then I did and then her and Jason freaked the fuck out.

(laughing) - Jason, I'm in a roll, but can I get advantage? (laughing) - He almost threw up just a second ago. - Really, I almost dry heaved. (laughing) - I've never been so embarrassed to call you my friend. - Oh, I know. (laughing) - Honestly, no, no, no. - I was on mute and everything. Like you did not have to draw attention to it. - You're on fucking camera. (laughing) - We're all on camera. I'll mention when you're masturbating. (laughing) - Wow, wow. This podcast is not what I expected it to be. - All the time, yes. That's for our patrons. (laughing) - Yeah, Jason, we all mention that.

- Trying to give them a little bang for their buck. Oh, hey. - Hey. - Hey, stop drinking the fucking pickle juice though, seriously. - I'm out. - Okay, good. - No more. - No pickles in this house. That is a rule. - No pickles. - There is another thing of pickles downstairs. - Oh, that's good. - Your wife fucking loves pickles. - I know. (laughing) - What were we doing? What's happening? - Jasper's rolling into the pyramid. - That's right. - He's the future of our team. - Jasper's rolling. You said he could have advantage. - Yeah, you just mentioned. - Or alcada. - Yeah.

- You had just mentioned it. - Yeah, we all heard it. - Negative two for pickles. - He didn't have pickles. - Oh, negative two's good. We want it to be a low roll. Let's go. - Is that what we don't? No, we don't. No, no, no. - We want a high roll. - Well, good. Now we'll roll it differently. - Okay. (laughing) - Spin it the other way. Good. - Good. All right, I'm gonna roll and see what happens here. - All right. - By the way, this whole time, what we're doing, we're doing this quick. This is just- - Are we? - No, no, no, no. Back to the story. No, this is what I'm doing.

(laughing) The story's happened faster than we are. - Yes. - But we're trying to do this. This is not like, let's take our time. This is like, we're gonna be- - Oh yeah, no, I picked your way. - 'Cause like, go, go, go. I don't care if this is right or wrong. We're just gonna do this, but we're gonna try to be as quiet as we can. So, Petchmore's gonna be, while all the, like under his breath, he's gonna be saying things like, "You know what? "The more I think about it, the more I think Poe hates us." Things like that. Just like, bitching. All right, D20. All right.

It's a three. - That's not a one. - It's not a one. - One of them just has dark matter in its pockets, like. - Yeah. (laughing) - We're just about to turn. - It's interesting. Okay, good. - Oh boy. - All right. - I'm giving you ideas. (laughing) Suddenly a jar of pickles. (laughing) Falls from the cloak. - Genuine. There's something about that that squigs me out hard. Like I'm genuinely, it's like, oh, like I wanna just retch, like go off. Bleh. (laughing) It could have been Tabasco sauce and I would have been far less offended. You know what I mean? Like. - I don't, I don't see the concern here.

- I guess, I don't know. - Okay, hold up. Alex. - Pickle juice. - If Sam came in and was just throwing back a fat jar of pickle juice. - She's pregnant. - Yeah. - Okay, six months ago. - Six months ago. So in any. - Would that not be like, that's okay? - Jason. - I don't judge others for what they do in terms of what they eat, right? So. - In my house. - That's a, that is a, I have had so many conversations. - Well in my house. - You are? - In my house. - You've judged me. - In my house. - Okay. - With just me and Sam and the cat and baby to be. - Sure. - If she were to drink a jar of pickles juice even before she was pregnant, I wouldn't say anything because I know what battles to choose which battles not to choose.

That's one I don't wanna get started. - Every battle. That's no. (laughing) That's an outright lie. - That's Jason's stance. - Yeah, every battle. That's the one. Literally nothing gets done. - I live with him and his wife. He's not lying. He is telling me. - And he's telling me. - And he's not true. - Every battle. - That is not, every, okay. Every petty battle. - Yes. - The kind of battles where it's like, how much ketchup did you put on your burger kind of battle? Not like. (laughing) It's not like marriage story here every day. I wanna paint. I don't know what that fucking.

(laughing) I just wanna watch that image out there. - How much ketchup did you just put in that burger? - So we're all trying to distract ourselves from the last three. - We got a three. - I got a three. - So low is good. Well, we established this. And we did establish this. - True, true, true, true, true, true. Negative three levels, everybody. No, I'm good. So here's this. Roll it back. - I don't even know what I did at this point. (laughing) - So you guys are gonna stow these bodies away, right? And what's interesting is down this hallway, you're gonna see two sets of stairs.

Two lengthy sets of stairs. One leading far down. What you're guessing is probably gonna be to the area below, the platformed area where they're trying to raise something up. And this is where I gotta ask you guys a question. 'Cause unless you're gonna jump down, you kinda have two options, up or down. Up would lead you to the chains, which is a way to go. Down would lead you to the mechanism that they're using to kind of move the chains. So are you looking to sabotage or just stop them as quickly as possible, I guess? Again, my patron was not very descriptive with his course of action.

I think he's giving you the tools to get the job done any way you decide. - He's a real hands-on manager. - Yeah. - Really, it's a lot of freedom to grant. Like, he doesn't know how to attach a PDF, is what I'm understanding. (laughing) - He's giving us autonomy over our own position. - Okay, I think he's got trust in you. That's what I think. That's a mistake. - The understanding is the chains are holding the big scary thing down, right? - No. - Okay, they're pulling it up. - Yeah, yeah. This thing is coming from a pit, right? And this thing is a very large coffin.

Like, it's very ornate decorative, almost. Not like a coffin coffin. Like, something of importance is put in here. And it's coming up from deep beneath the earth. - So to advocate for Po, I think that he would try to have learned from past mistakes and taught us to be more strategic, to think about how we could take out the enemy before we engage, especially when we're outnumbered. So we probably have the training to be like, "Well, we see that's helping them. Let's fuck that up first." - So chains. - Yeah, let's go fuck up a chain. - Mechanisms, right?

- Yeah. - And the mechanism, yeah. - Mechanism is the one. - Just so to go up and try to stop it from up there instead of engaging a dozen. - Okay, so it's still okay. - I feel like we can just break a single chain and that would help a lot in not pulling this monster up. - It would slow things down if nothing else. - Exactly. - Definitely, yeah. Like, that's easier said than done. These are big ass chains. - Yeah, we'll figure it out. - But yeah, like in principle, yes. - Okay. - So the interesting thing is, you guys know something bad's about to happen, right?

But it's two different bad things and I'm letting you guys, again, I'm giving you the tools. You know? - So what we're finding out is you're the celestial. (all laughing) - Yes, basically. Very hands-off manager. (all laughing) I'm gonna tell you once that something is supposed to be done and then three weeks from now, it's like, "Hey!" Like it's, yeah. Put those, go ahead and put those down. Okay, stairs up. Stairs up then, huh? - Stairs up? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. So bouncing up these stairs, like you're just kind of like bounding, right? You're being as quiet as possible and you're gonna notice that things get much darker up here.

Like it's almost like in terms of how populated this is, this is more like the stage rigging above, like that type of thing where you're getting to a point where you're kind of on the precipice of a big drop eventually. You're gonna be able to see and you're gonna be able to see all the way down to where they're kind of like cranking this mechanism. There's people moving back and forth and you are at least a couple of hundred feet above them. Like it's cavernous. Like if you were to fall, like no good. But thankfully there's lots of platform up here, like you guys.

So the way this works is each one of these chains are coming from a different direction, kind of a north, south, east, west thing. And you're somewhere around like the south side of the chains. Now you can continue inward to where these kind of cross paths or you could just focus on the chain that's nearest to you now and like do something to it. All right, guys, how can we fuck up these chains? Do we have anything? I think we're stronger together, right? Like, I don't think we can take them out one by one. Like individually, I don't think we can take out a chain.

Yeah. I mean, can we even cut through something like this? I mean, what I'd like to be able to do. That's true. That was my first thought is, yeah, could you throw acid at chain? Because acid is probably the only thing we have that would be strong enough to get through it. At least start it off. Yeah, so Tamika, I picture she has like those anime puffy eyes after crying and she kind of like flexes her hands and like, I think I could do something. I think I could cast acid. It feels different. I could just feel it there. Is there, can we get a sense? So you said like there's, we're on the Southern side of things.

Is there, if we were to even potentially try to get to another one of these chains, how would we even do it? Is it, we would have to go through these hallways and find our way around to another coordinate direction, like an East or a West or a North or something? Or is it, can we see anything like that? Does it make any sense? Yeah, no. And that would probably be the safer way of going, but there are narrow bridges that lead directly across these chasms. It's almost like maintenance tunnel type things, but they're just kind of exposed bridges. Okay. So like, it's not, it's a little more dangerous, but as long as you guys, you know, they're like, you know, 10 feet wide, just don't scoot around, right?

Oh yeah, no horseplay up here. I mean, if we make something happen for one of these, it kind of feels like we should be doing it for all of them if we can, but that's depending on if somebody finds us or not. Right. Well, how far away are the chains from each other? Sorry if I missed that, I was reading my spell. No, no, no, no. They're pretty far away. So like, so if you picture it as like a slice of pie to the next quarter, where the chain starts, but again, if you headed into the center, it's much more busy there. Like you'd be noticed much faster, but like if you had a solid plan to jam stuff up, it would take people a while to get to you.

So Tamika speaks up. I think, I don't know, it feels like I have more control, so I know what I'm about to cast. It'd be big, like big. Like if I had to put a number on, or if I had to put a size on it, imagine my fireball. Oh. But you think it's-- Yeah. Of acid. (laughter) Fireball of acid, that's-- So we're not talking break a chain, we're talking about break all the chains kind of stuff. Maybe-- If we get close enough. All right. Hey, maybe this is our chance, maybe this is our way to do it. We're not just here to sabotage one bit of this. Maybe we're here to just be done with it.

That's the direction I'm thinking the patron wanted us to go in terms of his vague instructions, yeah. I mean, you keep putting him down, but I suddenly have, I don't know, awareness of what I'm about to cast, and I feel like we control it. Tamika, that's typically how his gifts work. I mean, it's fine, yeah, it's a honeymoon period for some amount of time. I'll tell you what, after about the fourth or fifth, "Hey, do this for me," tends to get a little old, especially when he doesn't give you all the instructions, but it doesn't matter. I'm not doing any air-ing grievances right now.

Tary, so like, Tary's like cradling dog with one, you could tell his arms are getting like, like it's like, "Mm, I feel distorted." I know, I have to carry him home every day. (laughter) It's the exact same thing. Same gift. So he'd have his hand raised, like just quickly, and then like took a-- So wait, you could just, you have a Fireball, but it's acid now. What'd he give you? And he's gonna-- To me? Yeah, it's like, what did you get? Well, I'm not brain dead for one, so that was a cool, that was a cool plus to have. But I mean, I don't know how I would manifest it, but I would just manifest it like, I don't want to burn a spell slot to show them what I can do.

So I'm gonna do like a David Blaine type fly where I just hover off the ground for like, like two inches off the ground for a second, and I come back down. Just like, and then I show him like, then I come back and I'm like, something like that. I just go, that's just one of the few things he gave me in addition, but. Right, no. I would take that acid any day. Like it seems like that's much more useful. I knew you were gonna say that. I knew you were gonna say that. It's not to be rude, it's just, that seems like that's much more, I don't know, useful? Okay, now it's gonna clear us up.

Okay, sounds like we're going to the middle and we're attacking from a distance so that we don't get hurt by Tamika's acid ball of death, right? I mean, yeah. And I'm gonna look at the distance from the middle cross beam to the closest, I guess all chains would be close to that middle cross point 'cause they're all equal distances, I would assume from that point. Yep. I'm gonna ask Tamika, okay, do you think if we go to the cross section and you were to aim at one of, any one of these four that are around here, you could hit it from that distance? Or do we have to get up and close for it to work?

Okay, I do see-- You seem to have to put a number on it. Yeah, you have to put a number on it. How many feet do you think you could probably... How far I could cast my Fireball, so pretty far? That's not a number at all. No, but I don't, like, it's 150 feet range. That's-- That's another. Yeah, that's weird. I hope these chains are not 150 feet apart. And we're 200 feet above. Seriously, are we? Yeah, so-- So not quite. Well, I mean, you're, so, okay, if you picture this as a cross section, like what you're after, right? Everything in the middle here, that's where these chains are crossing over one another and then feeding down.

Oh! So, like, cranking it, so that's-- And each side. And that's what's causing this mechanism to lift this coffin. We kind of want to hit the mechanism. We want to hit a thing in the center. We can hit the cross section, I think. Yeah. You hang over to the side, look down, cast it at the coffin. Who cares about the chains at that point? I don't want to wake that thing up, whatever it is. This is Brianna talking, room's down. I'm just saying, knock it back down where it came from. Don't let them have more chains. Well, if we break all the chains, won't it fall down?

I see your point. (laughter) It's good. I think, yeah, can I look at the chains, like the cross section says, if we destroy the cross section, essentially, that's us damaging all four chains, stopping them from pulling it up. Right? I mean, in theory. Acid spreads. So I think if we threw a big ball of acid right in the center of a bunch of chains, some of those chains would probably break as well as the mechanism. Probably enough. Is going to look at the edge too, and like see that there's people down there. And then knowing that Tamika has some decent range on the spell.

He's going to say, I can do something that'll help you get close to if we want to start attacking them down there. And it's going to point to whatever the fuck is happening down there in their little cult madness that's going on. But I think the priority should be these chains, these chains in front of us, this cross section. Yeah. And if anybody comes up here, he's going to look at runes. I am more than certain you can, but he's going to make like a hand motion. Politely ask them to go back where they were, like push them off the edge. This is a push is a bonus action.

Baldur's Gate let me know that. You just end every turn with a little like, yeah, get away from me. We pushed someone over a cliff today. It was great. Yeah, I think the plan is, if I'm not mistaken, acid bomb or fireball, acid ball, the middle chains, and then anything that's left over, I think Petrichor and I could probably damage it or finish it off. And then if any of these bozos start coming up the steps, runes can just politely ask them to go back where they were along with Tary. That's right. All those bozos. Bozos. I heard you on that too. You don't hear bozos very often.

I'm trying to use a few nice descriptors these days. You know? It's good. Jabroni is another good one I like. Oh, geez. I prefer bozos. It makes me think of Short Circuit. I think a little Johnny Five. Johnny Five. Yeah, I mean. I'm bouncer is what I'm hearing. I'm bouncer at the club. You and Tary are bouncers. Unless you have a different place you want to be, totally fine. But I think the scariest thing to me is that these guys get up here because Jason described these little maintenance catwalk says 10 feet wide. And it's like, that's not wide enough to be hundreds of feet up in the air.

Yeah. And feel safe. Well, if you're melting shit, no. It's throwing acid around. Under normal circumstances, it's like, yeah, it's totally reasonable when you start throwing acid around. And if things get very scary to Mica, K'Nan's gonna kneel down to look at her in the face. Things get very scary. I can do something so that you won't fall. Well, I do have that thing that makes us fall slow. Okay. That's I completely forgot about that. That's way better than what I have. Cause it only, I can only do it to one person. I'll take it. Pertical raises his hand. That's way better than what I have.

I have like a curtain that I thought we could shape into a parachute. Super Mario parachute. Yeah. So I would, I would think the, I would stick with petrichor, I think for this, like we'd be pretty close to Mica would do however close you need to get to that center thing. You do that. And then Rune and Terry and Dog are the bouncers. Yeah. As soon as I get 150 feet away, I'm stopping wherever that is. Do I even have to get closer? So let's describe this. Trying to find a map that adequately gives it to you. But like for now, so from where you are to the center, you've got about 200 feet or so.

So you'd have to go out onto one of these bridges and huck it in there. Now you only have to go out about a quarter of the way and then huck one of these, you know, big old acid balls. And as long as it hits home, you should be pretty golden. As long as it doesn't, you know, as long as it, you know, corrodes these chains, does enough damage. Hell, all you got to do is weaken it essentially, right? Because, you know, you have these big ass chains because the thing is heavy. It's not for decoration. So as long as you do that, job done. And to just make sure nothing gets to you.

So let's do this. Let's give you guys kind of a makeshift (sighs) This is a decent map. Let's go with this. While we're waiting, I will tell you that Luz, my daughter, wanted me to tell you and make sure that I mentioned that she is officially in her Dungeons and Dragons club at school and that they talked to the vice principal a couple of weeks back who made it an official club at the school. So it actually is now a sanctioned club, which means that they have their own, really there's not much, it doesn't mean much, but it means that during recess, I'm sorry, during lunch, they can go sit in a very specific area and eat lunch while playing D&D.

- That's cool. - Aww, that's super cool. - 'Cause all that math, it's all that math, man. New point to math, leadership, team building, communication. Oh my God. - Yeah. - Elementary school, the faculty probably eat that up and they're like, "Oh, yes." And they're calmed down for hours at end? - Yeah. - Depends on the kind of game they're playing. (all laughing) - We get pretty heated sometimes. - This is not good. - Yeah. Let's ignore actual distances. - Okay. - Because to make a map that large, our internet could not handle that right now, which was my original plan and that just wouldn't fly.

So let's say you have to get beyond this map. This line, I see. To throw that fireball and it get there. It's acid ball? - I don't know. - Mitriolic sphere. - Oh. - Okay. - I've still not seen anything by the way. - It's still black for me. - Yeah. - What? - Oh, you guys don't have dark vision. - Oh. - Oh. (all laughing) - I got this. Hold on. - Can you turn on the lights please? Thank you. - I technically don't have dark vision, but my celestial that gave me dark vision. - Excuse me, God, could you? - Would like the lights turned on. - Thank you. - So that was a pretty decent map though, whatever it is.

- Yeah. - So bad. So as you're coming out here onto this bridge and it's pretty damn sizable, like it's, you know, to get to where Tamika needs to be, she's got to go out a bit, but it's probably a good thing that you guys are playing bodyguard for her while she attempts to do this. Because as you're setting up, like as you're moving around, you're gonna get this feeling that you're being watched and Dog is gonna start growling, like just, you know, so much so that Terry's gonna put her down kind of as it's a relief. It's like, "Oh my God, my arms." You know, but from the darkness behind you, you're gonna see several sets of red, beady eyes kind of glowing in the dark.

And these shambling figures are going to start to lurch forward. More animal than man, really. And they have the same pallid look as those cultists, but much more vicious. These are clearly new vampires that are basically feral. You're kind of getting a sense that maybe these guys don't have the best handle on what to do with vampirism or, you know, it's, yeah. But you're going to see five of these things start to like come out of the dark and let's put them on the map for you about it. Oh, I see. I don't have permission to control those creatures you're putting on the board.

That's what it's telling me. Why would you? Yeah, I don't know why it's telling me at the same time. Yeah, same. Weird. It's like, "Hey, don't dodge." Yeah, don't touch this one. Don't touch. Strange. Guys, if everyone would do me the favor of a rolling initiative, this is exciting because you guys have a chance to end this all in one fell swoop or, you know, (clears throat) There is no combat encounter and you're currently viewed. I got you. Do it now. Initiative. Oh my God, I forgot how to do it. Right click, hit the little sword and shield. Oh, wow. I got a nine.

What the fuck? This game doesn't like me. Whatever, 10 total. Wait, no, please remind me how to roll for initiative on this thing, I apologize. Just go over it so you go over it. Oh, I got it, I got it, sorry. Got it, got it, got it. I'm an idiot. Shut the fuck up. I got it. With his car. F up, f up, f up, you stupid bitch, shut up. I feel like I get into it. This is like getting into a car and forgetting how to do, like, how do you, which pedal's the right pedal? It's been a while. What happened? Nice, look at that. Holy shit, so it's Tamika, vampire, vampire, Petrichor, vampire, vampire, dog, vampire, the rest.

Nice. I will, well, if we were to, before initiative started, I would imagine we all sensed this dog starts growling, everybody's like, what the? If we saw this, I feel like based on that plan, Petrichor would say to Tamika, like, turn, hands up, get where you need to be. We got this. So I'm not telling you what to do for your combat, but you have choices here that you-- Just the communication of it. Yeah. Yeah, all right. That's cool. That being said, Tamika, you are up. Okay. No pressure. Trusting my team. We've trained together, we've traveled together, and more vampires are just going to keep coming until these chains are done.

So I guess I'll dash. For a second, I thought you were going to say, I guess I'll dab. Ooh. Okay. (laughter) Let's go. Dabbing is a bonus action. It's right up there with push. Yeah, it's expensive. That dab, that's too expensive for dab. You're pushing other people away from you emotionally. (laughter) It's a grapple. (laughter) So my turn is going to be kind of boring, but Tamika goes, okay, okay. And hesitates for just a moment, seeing them coming, but then just runs towards the chains. Just streaks down this thing. So that'll get you close enough so that on your next turn, you'll be able to-- Yeah, shit.

Vampire. Oh my god. Well, good luck, everybody. This is, this is, this is, this is. Nice. Whew. This vampire is, no thoughts, head empty. I am thirsty. Sprinting toward K'naan. And this may shock you to know they have a multi-attack. (laughter) Two claws, just two claws. That's it. Attack, Vahn. 15? It's a hit. Yeah. Okay. What about missing two attacks in a row and 13? Both hit. Oh fuck. I'm a soft boy. What do you want from me? Okay, damage for the first eight. That's not terrible. It's not terrible? Oh. Damage for the second seven. Not great. Not bad. There you go. Yeah.

So it's just K'naan standing there, like hands out, like he's charging up a spell and he doesn't anticipate how fast these guys move and it just, they just like move up and it's like saliva flying as they're moving towards him, 'cause they're hungry. He just goes, "Oh shit." And claws. So these things are spawned, so they're not like, you know, they're not stradd, but essentially, imagine someone with the speed of like an Olympic runner, like Usain Bolt coming at you, it's like, like it's like, "Oh shit." Like you're just not ready. Definitely. So, vampire, oh boy, how far can these guys move, speaking of, okay.

I guess both of these guys are gonna move up here and hit, swing at K'naan. So we got claws. Attack one. Oh, thank you. Crit one. Oh, thank God. Oh shit. Let's see if that rolls on their table. It does not, but that's just a crit miss. And one more attack. Oh, that's a super hit. Shoo, 20, 30, 20. Yeah. Oh, max. Max damage of 11. That hurt, that one hurts. He made up for it. So, petrichor is up. All right, all right. I'm going to come up here to kind of get these vampires between me and K'naan. And then I'm gonna actually pull out something from one of my little pouches and slam it between my hands and rub it around and speak a little bit of stuff out.

I'm gonna cast Wall of Fire between us and the other three vampires. So basically I'm keeping just a couple here that we can get rid of. Yeah, okay. And that's it. So I don't know if you can see what I'm-- I'm very sexy of you, Jasper, thank you. I don't know if you can see what I'm doing here, but probably not. Hold on, I could do you one better, baby. Jesus God, you have a lot of spells. Yeah, I don't know that that's right. But it is right now. So yeah, so this could be-- this is a one foot thick, 20 foot high wall. There you go. Ooh, that's awesome. If they had not moved, I would have tried to make something that would have encompassed all of them.

But I feel like this is the best and only move I have so that we don't get hurt in the process. Unless you could tell me that I could be surgical about this wall, but I don't think that that would make sense. So, there you go. I know, I have played with walls before, that could get very tedious. I'm not interested. Very quick. Yeah. Right. Okay, that's it. I would be remiss if I didn't shout out Patreon Group 2, who in a fight with a beholder used three different kinds of walls. And I almost quit Dundoo Mastering as a career. I almost, it was, I, oh boy. This is one wall and it's just, it's a barrier and hopefully they will be frightened enough to not want to get hurt.

And we can dispatch of these other two. We'll see. We'll see. Yeah, shit. You know what? We're going to roll for that, actually. I think, what's your, you know what? What's your spell save DC? 15. Okay. I'm going to have each one of them roll a wisdom saving throw on their turn. The ones that are cut off from you. Anyone who rolls below a 15 is going to have to wait until their next turn to attempt again. So, we've got another vampire spawn here. Let's roll a wisdom saving throw. 15. All right, here it comes. And running straight through it. (laughs) So, it does get burned.

Yeah, it's got to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh shit. On a failed save, it takes 5d8 fire damage. 22. That was so close to being a three. Oh, that's so fast. So this thing doesn't even hesitate, just and just dives right through. And now it's on the other side of you. It is going, yeah. It still takes half. It does take half. So it's clothes are definitely on fire. That's just scarier somehow. Yeah. I'm checking fine print now. Oreo. Yeah, she wanted attention. Well, it's not my turn. I'm going to go potty, but I have these on so I can still hear everything.

That's weird. Is your mic on? Okay. No, no, no. That's good. I'm going to do the same thing, Susan. It's not weird to listen to your friend potty cake. Yeah, I'm going to bring you guys with me. You drink pickle juice. No one fucking... Be right back. I am reading this fine print. I haven't used wall of fire before. One side of the wall selected by you when you cast the spell deals 5d8 fire damage to each creature that ends its turn within 10 feet of that side or inside the wall. So if I made like a circular wall. Right. So I can pick basically the other side of that wall can be fire danger zone.

I was about to say, yeah, if it's this side of the wall, you're a creature and you are next to it. Nope, nope, nope. So a creature takes... That would help with the oven. Yeah, a creature takes the same damage when it enters the wall for the first time on a turn or ends its turn there. So for the first time that it comes to that wall, even if it didn't give a crap about going through it, it sounds like it would take 5d8 no matter what, but I'm not, that's how I'm reading it, but... Yeah. Yeah. I think under the circumstances, let's go with it. These things are double tough.

Nope. And they regenerate. It is. Yeah. If it went through that wall just because it couldn't handle itself and it just went in there anyway, since it's the first time it went through it, it would be a 5d8 fire damage. Oof, kadoof. I'm excited. (laughing) (laughing) So, holy shit. Let's roll some damage for this vampy vamp. All right. 5d8. Are you ready? I'm... (mumbling) Oh, blah, blah, blah. I'm blah, blah, blah. Ooh, wow. Ooh. 32. Yeah, all right. Ooh, what did we get in there? Hold on a second. A four, an eight, an eight, a five, and a seven. Very nice. Nice. Very nice.

And we get to do some video game cheats and see how down the health bar goes from 32 damage. Yeah. Look at our little bar. So it's half damage, right? 'Cause it, you know, yeah. No. Wait, what? No, because I'm choosing that other side to be the burning side, like the hot side. The first time that it goes through that wall, it will receive 5d8 no matter what. So even if it succeeds on the dexterity save? Yeah, so it-- Holy shit. The first time I'm reading this is that when the wall appears, each creature must make a dexterity save. On a failed save, you get half damage.

So in other words, I put it up-- If they were in it, I think. If they were within 10 feet of it. Right. Yeah. But now that the wall's up, the first time that anybody goes through it or ends their turn in it, they're gonna get a 5d8 regardless. So they choose, I see how this works. So they cannot go through it. Everybody out there, give us your interpretation of that. (all laughing) Come on. The discord's gonna be blown up. (all laughing) That's what it's for. Give us a comment. Maybe if you're really upset by whatever decision ends up being made, you could tweet about it and tag the show.

Yeah, go onto every social media platform and talk about it. Yeah. If you really wanna get under our skin, you can go to our Patreon and give us a dollar and then religious comment under the episode. Jesus. You'll see it right there. It's in, yeah. It says, "Get a dollar." Ugh. Yeah, a dollar. No, but seriously, we love your dollars. Just that's everyone else. (all laughing) And you, we love you. Yes. Yes, of course we love you. I put, no, no, no, I'm thinking about it. I put more of myself out there than I definitely should have over the last. Same. Here's the thing, at least you still have a few secrets.

I don't. (laughs) I, I-- I know two of your secrets that aren't on the show, too. Well, okay. When we dug that hole, like we said, don't ever talk about this on the show. That's more for legal reasons, not because I don't wanna share. Jason, as your attorney, you need to stop. Yeah, okay. You've already said too much. Cut this out. Whatever it is, don't say it. Alex just ran off screen real fast and now keeps saying it. (all laughing) Who you calling, Alex? Who you calling? (all laughing) He's wired the whole time. I worried someone fell down. Yeah, that's it.

I already got him on the NDA. It's fine, it's fine. (all laughing) All right. Is everyone okay? Yeah, Sam needed help with something. She has a sciatic problem so she can't bend down to get water and stuff. So you helped your pregnant wife? Yeah. How dare you? Instead of staying in your D&D call? You're fucking super wrong. (all laughing) Am I right, Kellen? (all laughing) Speaking on one of the predominant alpha male podcasts, like I think that's our audience. I'm pretty sure I got my finger on the pulse. Ah-woo. Wow, wow. That's what alpha males do. They go ah-woo.

Oh yeah. This is now fresh in randomness. Oh no, stop, stop. Oh no. So 32 damage. 32 damage. And it did that, that's it. Oh my God. That's pretty good. Nah, for vampire chumps, this is... For vampire chumps, okay. They're buff and they can run. These are definitely, they were athletes before they were bitten. They were definitely athletes. I just want to say, it took, it has as much percentage wise as what got taken off of Alex. And I know for damn sure Alex did not get 34 damage. Or 32 damage. No, no, yeah. I took like a, what? 11 and then eight and seven. So like, oh, close.

Like 26, pretty close. 28, 27 damage, right? Okay, that makes me feel a little bit better. I thought you took like 11. I thought you were made of paper, you know. I mean, for level nine, yeah. I'm not, yeah. HP wise, yes, for level nine character, yeah. Oh, same. That does mean that this vampire does get to use its claws. And it does have advantage because it is... Oh no. Yeah, it's not great. Ah, drop a three to take an 18, 24. Ooh, almost minimum damage, six. (dice rattling) Damn, I'm not supposed to be getting hit like this. Yeah, well. Oh, I dropped a four to take a 17.

Oh shit, that's a crit. I hit crit, ignore that. Stop, take that away. There we go, nine. It's nine damage. Yeah. Okay, so one of the last vampires on that other side is going to, I guess, you know what? I'm going to do the wisdom save thing. I think that's fair. Oh, that is the wisest fucking, that was my vampire. No fear, no fear. Completely like-- He would walk into some math. It's like, I think I could dodge these flames if I just-- (laughter) Is that a three, that's 3d8, right? That's a full damage. What? I thought it said full damage. Now you're confusing me.

This is the wisdom save to determine if he jumps through the fire or not. Oh, sorry. Right, and I thought the first dexterity save, you still took full damage because-- Yeah, that's passing through. He's running through, he's running through, so he's going to take full. Yeah. Still going to have to do it, just to show off a little 16, yeah, that does it. Okay. I'm, let's see, one, two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Oh, there's-- I'm going to have this thing run clean past to get to here, so both Petch'Gore and Kanan get attacks of opportunity with my melee weapon.

It's going right for Tary. Action, where are my actions? Wait, you want me to get some damage here first for that wall? Yeah, let's get damage. Yeah, maybe they'll just burst into flames and die. Let's just do that first, I mean. Sure. Ooh. Not quite as impressive as the first one, but not bad. 21 damage is still respectable. Yeah. I'll take it. And then we just-- I imagine they're closed just on fire on their back and shit, yeah, just, ugh. To target it, do we control click before? You don't even have to worry about targeting. I got it. So mace for me. Simple melee.

How do I tell? Like that. There it is. Ooh, 16 was hit. Oh, nice. Give him a little bonk. How do you get damage again? Just click the damage button? Yeah. Okay. Mm, mm-mm. Oof, six is good. I got a six. Yeah. Minus two, five minus two is three. Oh my gosh. (laughter) Oh, your strength is low. Oh, sweetie. Okay. But guess what? That's not half damage, baby. He took all that three. It's just cannot-- Just arbitrarily dodging these two vampires and then just like, ugh. Ugh. Nailing, flailing with a mace, like just out of reach, but connecting. I picture with all the accuracy of me throwing with my left hand.

(laughter) You slapped it on the ass as it went by. Yeah. Just, yeah, just, oof. Let's see. Well, I guess we're going to claw at Terry. Oh, Terry. I don't like this. Please, Terry. I don't think you're meant to. I don't like this game. (laughter) Shit. Well, I quit. (groans) 17 will definitely hit Terry. Whoa. Oh. Minimum damage at five. I wish that would happen to me. Damn. Terry has all the luck. Yeah. Oh god, I wish that would've eaten my ball. Oh god, another 17 damage. Oof, what? Seven, not bad. Damn, actually, that's not bad at all. Good on you, Terry. Dog. Dog, save us.

Dog, run. Dog's definitely going to close this gap. No, dog, run. (laughter) Dumbass. Why would you think dog would run? Dog would never. No. She's a good sheep. She would never. She's a shero and would never. Does she, okay, does she get advantage because K'Nan is on the other side? I think it has to be a-- Nope, it's not a straight line. Yeah, it has to be a straight line. Okay, straight line, got it. Good to know. Does do eight damage. Damn, why the fuck? I mean, definitely. Strong. Strongest dog on earth. Stepping up. Well, you know, she leveled up alongside you guys.

Oh, that's right. Good girl. As a matter of fact, if you guys survive this, you get to pick a new feat for her. Oh yeah. In our pet/combatant sphere grid thing. I love it. Okay, last vampire on that side, right? Oh, he's coming, I know where he's going. (sighs) Wisdom? Friends or you? Yeah. They can't all pass the wisdom save, right? I mean, once you say that, they can. No, that one didn't. Oh, it's not going nowhere. Yeah, no, it's staying here. Tary. Little bitch. Why is Tary a little bitch? No, the vampire. Oh, oh, I was about to say, God, that was just mean. Let's just-- Oh, he's the best little bitch.

Oh, that was 19. He is a little bitch. That's an eight. Turned out, that's, that's, he rolled a three. He's a soldier, by the way. Yeah. I don't know why it keeps readjusting stuff. I know why, when I changed him from not a hostile, it reset everything. So it's like the basic template for, ha ha, I can fix this. Poor buddy. It's okay, Tary, you'll be better next round. You'll be fine. Yeah. Oh man, so that brings up Kinan. Kinan, you've got friends. I believe in you, buddy. Turn to, I'm not even gonna look at Tary, I'm just gonna go like, hey, here's another thing I got from my patron.

And I'm gonna use Spirit Shroud. I call forth spirits of the dead, which flit around me for the spell's duration. The spirits are intangible and invulnerable. Until the spell ends, any attack you make will deal 1d8 extra damage when you hit a creature within 10 feet of you. Damage is my choice of radiant, necrotic, or cold. I'm picking radiant, obviously. I'm a good boy, I'm the golden boy. Any creature that takes this damage can't regain hit points until the start of your next turn. In addition, any creatures of your choice that you can see that start its turn within 10 feet of you has its speed reduced by 10 feet until the start of your next turn.

So I'm gonna cast that at fifth level, or third level once is what it says. So after this, I need to ask a question. It is a bonus action to cast. So John Constantine my hands together again, but this time it's one quick motion and instead of darkness swirling, it's like radiant light just emanating from all around me into this weird, I guess like a wispy shroud. Every now and then it looks like a figure, like a wispy figure. And I'm gonna look to the vampire behind me that's in front of a dog. And I'm gonna attack. That's great. That's a 10 total. I love it.

I love everything about it. I missed all that for nothing. It looked really cool though. It lasts a minute. I think I'll take the acid though. Like it's not, you know, it's nothing personal. No words, just deflating, instantly deflating. My spell is still swirling around me. It lasts for one minute, I want to say. Yeah. Yeah, one minute. Still pretty cool. Yeah. That's a bonus though, right? So I attacked with a action. Yeah, yeah. Well, runes? Hi. All right. So I am going to use my attack action. Going to attack with my javelin and I get to do that twice. 15 hits.

Nice. Sweet, here comes the damage for that one. Six. Nice. Six damage. And then again. Pew, pew. Much better, look at that, 22. 22, oh my goodness. Then again, pew, pew. Five. Five. Then I'm going to spend one key point, which will bring me down to five, to use Flurry of Blows, which lets me use two unarmed strikes. Ooh. And I'm going to use one of those unarmed strikes first to attack, ba-bam. Pew, pew. 12. 12's going to miss. That's fine. My other unarmed strike, I am going to instead use my Way of the Mercy Hand of Healing on Alex. Oh. So when you use your Flurry of Blows, you can replace one of the unarmed strikes with a use of this feature without spending a key point for the healing.

As an action, ba-ba-ba, restore a number of hit points equal to the roll of your martial arts die plus your wisdom modifier. My wisdom modifier is plus two. Nice. And my thing is 1d6, so I'm going to roll a d6. So that's four hit points for you, Alex. I'm sorry I didn't-- That's fine. That's great. Anything in the positive works for me. Check, I think that's everything I can do right now. More than an advantage. You're supposed to heal for four, not two. I didn't do it. Oh, Jason, he's supposed to heal for four, not two. Two more, please. Two more, please. Hey, sir, may I have another?

I thought he got four. I'm sorry. Where's the juice? There we are. Thank you. You're welcome. There's four hit points. Hey, that's one of their claws, at least like the majority of one of their claws hitting me. Yeah. That is the end of our first round. Before we re-roll, I know that it's been a long time since our last session, and it's been over a year since this happened, but I wanted to remind you all of something because I would be remiss if I didn't. You guys picked up a little artifact. Sure did. Oh, I remember. Rune's house. Okay. Okay. Just remember it.

For those of you who don't remember at home, there's a holy hand grenade at the party. We say that. And obviously that's a big bunch of radiant damage. Probably wouldn't want to be near it when it explodes because it, you know, still a fucking grenade basically. So, but yeah, you know. The thought process right now is we still want to get out. So he's only going to use that if we need to. Just reminding folks. I did remember. Thank you. No problem. Yes. Oh! Re-rolling everybody. I was at the top. What the hell? What? (laughter) Oh no. Yes. Tamika, you are up. Holy shit.

Very sexy. ♪ There goes my hero ♪ Okay. Let's do this. Okay, so what I'm rolling against has to save. So these chains have to save? You're basically rolling against the constitution of the chains, right? They're basic, you know what I mean? They're dexterity. Oh, well you're gonna, you're probably gonna hit it. So I would say since it's an inanimate object, you got it, right? Okay. So should I roll anything? Well, you're gonna roll damage, right? Yeah, yeah. Okay. There you go. So Tamika, feeling this sudden control and she could feel it like right beneath the skin.

Like this almost like tingling feeling, like she already knows what she's calling and she usually doesn't know. So she feels it and then in her hand, she starts to see this sphere start to form. And it just, this little glowing green ball and then it gets bigger and bigger and bigger until eventually she just like lobs it up there. And then it becomes bigger and bigger and bigger until you just see this giant, glowing green, sizzling orb collide with the chains. And... Oh, okay. Only 24. But I'm going to use, please hold. What was it? Bend, no. Not bend luck.

I could re-rolled something because I got something. Sure, yeah. Sounds legit. One second, one second. Where'd it go? I could re-roll. You know what? I'm going to take the pressure off of you. I now need to use the restroom. So I'll be right back and you guys can all just be on hold. So I can use empowered spell. Key your pickle juice out, you weirdo. Yeah. So I can use empowered spell and I could spend one sorcery point to re-roll up to two dice. So I, what did I roll exactly? If you click on the 10 D4, it'll tell you. There's some ones in there. There's four ones in there.

Okay, so then I'm going to spend two sorcery points to re-roll four. Oh. For empowered spell. That's dope. That's so cool. That's not like 20 better, yeah. So that's a total of 28. No, no. That's the 26. 26. 26. So this is going to obviously like crack and sizzle. And when you throw this out there, I'm picturing like real spirit bomb energy, right? Just like, it's going to hit these chains and these things are kind of like slowly, like you remember they're kind of like, (imitates chainsaw) You know, they're kind of, you know, so it's gonna collide in this space where they're kind of crossing over each other and then they're looping down and it's just going to like splash and start to ooze down.

And now that I'm reading it, now that it's settled on there, now it starts to corrode away. Once it hits, it takes an additional 5d4. Ooh. Yeah. Like every round? No, it's on a failed save, a creature takes 10d4 and then another 5d4 at the end of its turn. I'm, so because this is an inanimate object and because these chains are in motion and because it's all gravity and going down, I'm going to say they're going to take an additional 5d4 every round. Ooh. So I had an amount of hit points in my head. 50 was the number. To really start doing damage. And the thing is, once these things start going, they're going to pull at each other, everything's going to get screwed up, right?

Right. So already you've done 26. You're already more than halfway there. And we're going to keep going with that. And all you guys got to do is like live. So. Hey, it's another one of these missions where it's like, let the sorcerer, let the spellcaster do something. Everybody protect them. That happens a lot in D&D. Oh man. Yeah. That's because spellcasters can do things that we fucking can't. I mean, I'm like a pretend spellcaster, I guess, but. Also have no hit points. So just don't let anything touch me. I'm almost there. I mean, 44. I'm trying, dude. All right.

Vampyr. Well, the good news is this vampire now has a new target in runes. Cause you know, you hit it. On meowchies, yeah. On a cow meowchies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Claws, here we go, baby. One claws. Ooh, that's going to miss. I'm betting 12. Okay, cool. Next. Sorry, I wasn't trying to flip off you. I was flipping off the vampire. Oh, let's go. Wonderful, wonderful. Oh my God. Ooh, this vampire spawn down here by Petrichor is doing great though. And gets advantage because flanking. It looks like he's vomiting up. Oh, we got a one to take it. 20. Oh my God. Oof. Good doof.

Well, maybe it won't roll on the crit table. Maybe not. Let's see. And we're rolling on the crit table. Yes, uh huh. (laughs) This is all of a sudden going very poorly. It depends on what comes up, right? No, it's going very poorly. No, it's going very poorly. Okay, nevermind. On the crit table, there's not, sunlight appears. There's like, "Oh, you're a little embarrassed." Like that's one that. There's also the rock one that Callie got where she lost one point of intelligence. I'd rather lose a point of intelligence to hit a bunch of hit points right now. I'm hoping that one is still on there.

Oh yeah, I didn't change it. Well, not in the book. Jeez, okay, so crit hits. Let's do it. D20. Oh, an 18. That's going to be awesome. Warcry, all allies that can see you gain inspiration if they don't already have it. So that's just one re-roll each. That's not the worst. That's not terrible. That's, it could have gone way worse. Yes, all the vampires get it. I thought they had advantage, like all of them. I was like, "Uh-oh." Okay, make one argument. I'm not sure that one vampire in the back was able to hear that. I'm just saying. (laughter) Walls of fire are very loud.

Walls of fire are quite noisy. I'm just saying. Maybe for inspiration, but you know, you're the DM, sir. Let me read it again. Hold on a second. In the book, we both wrote, "All allies that can see you gain inspiration." So I'm going to say no, because the fire probably blocks it out. I'm going to say no. Oh, man. Anyway. I made a reasonable argument for a change. You did, yeah. 14 damage. That could have been way worse. Petrichor. Baby. And one more attack. Dropping a one to 19. That's my least fucking... At least it was another 20. All right. Oh, okay. Oh, oh. Almost minimum damage.

Just don't bite me. Hasn't yet. It's got to get you down a little bit further. Oh no. Dog. Dog? Dog bites? Question mark? Don't bite, well, we'll see. Dog. Chompy chomp. Nope. No. Don't bite that time. Nine, nine's going to miss. Vampire spawn. The one on the other side who didn't see. He's like, what's going on? Where am I? I heard my friend. Well, I guess wisdom saving throw, right? We got to... Yes. Yes. Nice. That's a crit one. That's so dumb. I love that himbo vampire back there. It's not himbo. Fucking... Himbo himbo. We're draw go. Or himbo, I don't know. Vampire spawn is going to...

Or a thembo. I like that there's a third option, so. I appreciate it. Yeah, anyway. Vampire, yeah, this vampire's going to use claws on dog. No. Don't. Hood, of course, Terry jumps in the way. Oh no. 21 will definitely hit. Oh no. Nine damage to dog. Ooh. No. That is a third of dog's health. One more. Oh no. No. This time. Stop. Nine damage. Okay, well that's... You're done now, so. Almost. I feel like you're talking to me, not the vampire. No. All right. You are up. All right, after healing you for a whole four points, I'm going to go ahead and move so we get the advantage.

Nice. Oh yeah, you're fine. It's the other side of that firewall that does the... Yeah, you're good. Yeah, danger zone. Other side, we're good. The danger zone. I am going to javelin attack twice again, or... Wait, am I using the right one? One second. Javelin's a long range weapon. Yeah, javelin you throw it. Yeah, I'm supposed to be using my quarter staff. I'm an idiot. Okay, I'm going to use my quarter staff twice. Like someone who's not a big dumb, dumb dummy. No, you're not. 15. Dumb, dumb dummy. You get advantage. Attack again. Oh, oh, 25 will hit. 25? Okay, cool.

Damage, so that's one. All right, so the damage was exactly the same, so I don't feel as bad anymore. Yeah. All right, and then I'm going to attack again. This time I'll remember to do the advantage. Oh my God. 16. 16 does hit. Nice. Nice. And we'll do the damage. That's six more damage. Six small damage, yes. I will go ahead and use flurry of blows again, I think. Or wait, let me... You get... Let me double check one thing. You get one free unarmed strike without using flurry of blows. But then if you want to use flurry of blows, it costs key. I know this because I made a monk in Baldur's Gate 3 and I remember.

I should do that. Honestly, next time we roll characters, I'm going to play a whole round of Baldur's Gate 3 with them first. Because I feel like I'd be better at stuff if I... Oh, I forgot to use advantage again. One second. Just in case I get a 20. Which you did. Yes. Can I roll that d6 or should I roll damage first? Let's roll d6. Let's get excited. Let's do stuff. Oh, yeah, that's on the table. Let's go. Hell yeah. D20. No, not 2d20, just the one. Yeah, don't get greedy. Oh, 19. 19? 19. Body blow, in addition to standard critical hit damage, your targets' lungs are injured.

They move at half speed for the next one d4 rounds and receive a negative two. But here's the thing, they don't breathe. So that's a bit of a... Yeah. It's kind of lame, but okay. No organs work for them, I don't think, anyways. Mm-mm. Critical hit. Nine damage. Nine damage. Hand of harm to inflict damage. When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you could spend one key point to deal extra necrotic damage equal to one roll of your martial arts die and your wisdom modifier. Should I do that or hit him two more times? I'll hit him two more times. I'm going to use another key point to hit him with flurry of blows.

That seems like the better idea. The two DMs like, "Mm, not the correct one." "That's not a check, son." (laughter) You've got to do that. All right. All right, so flurry of blows, so that means I get two more unarmed strikes. Let's go. Attack with advantage. Ooh, we'll drop a four to take a 17, 24 will hit. So there's some damage for you. Oh man. Another seven. Piling it on right now. Attack with advantage. Ooh, shit. 25. 25 will hit. And normal damage. Well, four. Minimal damage, that's fine. Look at the grand scheme of it, though. You're over here dishing out seven, four, six, nine.

That's the weird thing about playing a monk is every time you roll one, it's like, "Oh, that's disappointing and my friend did 22 damage." It's like, "Oh, but I get to go four more times." Yes. It evens out. Anyway, that is my turn. I feel like you're out. Yeah. And on, you're up. Oh, yuck. Guess what you have, sir. Guess what you have, because I'm on the other side of this guy. I have advantage, yes. And I'm going to first, however, look at, I'm gonna hear dog yelp, but I'm gonna hear petrichor like, "Ah!" You know, get injured. And I love dog. But dog doesn't cast magic.

So I'm gonna like stylishly flip my mace to my other hand. And then with my left hand, which is where I flipped it from the left hand, extend my palm out towards petrichor in his direction and cast a bonus action called Healing Light. So that's not a casting, it's just a bonus action. It's my ability. I have a pool of 10 D6, which I can use to heal. I can use four maximum at once to heal. So I'm gonna use four D6 to heal petrichor. Damn, thank you. Nice. See if I can roll it. Let me roll from here. It doesn't, but I can do it from the little menu, right? Yeah, just for you.

Not for nothing. I heard I'm gonna take my hand and extend it towards petrichor's erection. No, didn't say that. Direction. I didn't hear that, but-- Okay, maybe I'm the only one. I'll play it with everybody. If you've heard that, give us a dollar. Let us know. And blow up all the socials. Just blow 'em up. Petrichor's erection. Hashtag petrichor's erection. 17. 17. And then I'm going to attack the one in front of me as I see runes distracting them, and I'm gonna go for it with advantage. Ooh. 18. 18 will do it. 18 hits. Regular damage here, but I also get zero.

Oh my god, that's the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen. Oh my god. I asked you to roll. I also get my-- If you rolled a one, would he get one damage back? Is it made of steel? I think it's a hardy pat on the back. Yeah, I'll roll a zero. It's always a zero. It's still in your left hand. I get additional from the-- because the spell is still on my-- Oh yeah, you get a d8, right? Yeah. Fucking eight. Radiance radiant damage. So he gently touches with his mace, but then the radiant damage does damage. So that's 10 damage. Yes. No, no, no, not six, because it's minus two, because of my-- Oh wait, no, it's radiant damage.

Yeah, it's radiant damage. Stop trying to take damage away from yourself. You're doing great. So it's double because they're weak, right? Yeah. Also, I think this one can't heal is what I pick. Oh, all right. And then I pick-- do I have to be able to see the one? Yeah, I have to see it. OK, I can't see the one on the other side of the wall. So then I pick the one on petrichor, I guess, south, right? I don't know how to like that one. Yeah, ping. I picked him as the one who cannot-- he loses 10 feet of movement. OK, that's fair. All right, vampire spawn, who is-- yeah, I guess-- oh, man.

We're still clawing petrichor, I guess. It's the one on the other side. And 18? Oh, yeah, 18? Wait, 18? Yeah, that hits. OK, so eight damage and one more. Dropping it to 15. Yeah, damn, if they don't fit. You said it on the fence earlier, so it's like, I want to get you some leather armor here. Yeah, I'm totally naked. 10, oh my god, I just did all my work. They are-- yeah, OK. So, huh, Tary is going to move to the other side of the vampire that's on the other side of Dog to get advantage. Yes. But puts himself in advantage of two other vampires. There's a real conga line situation going on.

Yeah, not a fan, but you know what? Tary feels close to Dog, doesn't want Dog to-- Feels like they are exactly in the same hierarchy in the group, like the same-- I feel you, Tary, I understand. Hey, Tary is in a longsword. Yeah. That's just a puncture. Yes, that's right. Yeah. Oh, he's stepping in. Come on, boy. He's like, don't you fucking hit Dog. He's right. And he rolls on the table. He rolls on the table. That is a nine. Unreliable armor, in addition to standard critical hit damage, the target's AC is reduced by two for the remainder of the encounter. So this one, we got to change it.

Holy shit. That's-- boom, 13. So let's roll some damage, eh? Holy shit. Oh, 16. Go, Tary. Go, Tary. That brings up Petrichor. You were healed for a minute. Yeah, I'm not doing great. However, I can still cast spells. And the good news is everybody's starting to be in a big pile. The bad news, I hope, if this goes well, is that Petrichor is going to cast Moonbeam, which is radiant. And he's going to focus it right on the one that's above him and basically that's in the middle of everybody. And it's a five-foot radius, so that should be-- Only him. Well, five-foot radius, so it should be a 10-foot diameter.

Oh, shit. So it should at least get a couple. You pick-- What does that do to your wall? Well, wall is concentration. I mean, I don't want to be that guy, but we should have been rolling. Yeah, I know. I was thinking the same thing. I realized that whenever I looked up Moonbeam. That's fair. If you caught that before we noticed here on the podcast, you should give us a dollar. [LAUGHTER] You're so smart, pay our rent. Like, that's-- [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. I don't think that's going to take off. I'm going to level with you. I don't think this meme is going to catch on and give us a dollar of fun.

Every $5, Jason promises to read one more page of the rule book of Fifth Edition. [LAUGHTER] $5, one more page. You know what? Here's what I'll do. Here's what I'll do. I'll put a special thing on our Patreon. For $5, you get to send in a voice memo that I have to play the cast about a rules correction. I'm down for that. I think it should be-- Actually, no, that one's fair. That one will work. As long as it's-- keep it under two minutes. Oh, yeah, it has to be. Like, tell us what you do in your game. Like, that's right there. All right, Moonbeam. Moon prism power.

What do I need to do here? Make stuff. I think click on the icon for Moonbeam. I did. I'm going to cast it at boom. And I'm going to boom. And I'm going to do this. And I'm going to cast that spell. Wait, where did it go? Sorry, working on it. There it is. There we go. That's it. It has to roll a saving throw, I think. Yes. So do I do that? Saving throw DC's constitution. I got it. All right, thank you. A 20. Fuck. I hate these vampires. Yeah. 20. Takes half on damage. It takes half on a save, I think. Yeah. But it's radiant. So-- Yep. It is radiant. Half as much damage. So it just takes full-- So it just takes full damage.

Yeah, there you go. Ghostly flames, searing pain. This is going to be really-- it's going to smell delicious. So not only did this vampire have regular flames, it's got holy flames, too. It's like, bro, I get it. Fire's your thing. Cool. We bite you. Remember, anybody that enters this cylinder of light is engulfed in these ghostly flames. So-- So-- I'm just saying. Is it creatures? When a creature enters a spell-- area spell for the first time on a turn or starts its turn there, it's engulfing ghostly flames. So if that's a five foot radius, wouldn't-- It's all-- it's me, runes, the two vampires, and terror.

OK. All right. OK. It's going to hurt them double. He's going to die. No, this is going to-- Do you have my friends? No, well, only a little. It's going to hurt the vampires double. Actually, I'm safe. I have radiant soul. I take half radiant damage. Oh. I have resistance to radiant damage, yeah. Oh, and I do extra-- oh, I do four damage. I do extra four on radiant attacks. Oh. That's my fault. Yeah, that's my fault. Give me that damage. Who, me? You. It's going to take half that, but regular. Double. You get it. You get it. It's going to take double half damage. [LAUGHTER] 19.

It's going to take-- 38? No. It's going to take 19. Yeah. Because it passed. Sorry. Double half damage. I was not clear about that. I don't know. What's so hard to get? I don't know. What's so hard to get? All right. Oh, I love that it says barely injured as I roll over. This is-- [LAUGHTER] --just after that. Oh my god, that's not a fun feature. What a big fuck you. It is. The ones that are badly injured, but not-- Pedicure badly injured. Yeah. All right. That is the end of our round. OK, wait. Do I have to roll constitution or something? Nope. Because-- OK. I'm at the bottom again.

Oh, thank god. I haven't re-rolled yet. Oh, you motherfuckers. Oh, no. I'm at the top. There's always one or two at the top. Jesus. OK, well-- They are vampires. They're dexterous. That's true. They're fast. But they're stupid. But he's inside the thing. He's inside the thing. He is inside the thing. So that's a-- Con save? I don't know. What's the spell? It's a con save of 15, I believe. Oh, OK. 16. So does it take half damage? Which one? Sorry. It started-- it's the one that's-- the one that starts its turn in the-- yeah, it's one of the ones on the outside, but still in it.

When a creature enters the spell area, the first time, makes a constitution saving throw, it takes 2D, half damage. So I'll roll damage. OK, so if it starts its turn there, it takes-- OK, good. So we're doing double half damage. Exactly. So that's going to happen with me when it's my turn, too. I'm going to take a double half on my half damage. Yeah, you're going to take half, half. Holy-- whoa! 38. 38 damage. That's going to kill this vampire. Oh, yes. It's creepy. All right, take it. Very sexy. That's only for double half damage. I can't wait to see regular or double double.

I'm hungry now. A double double half. This vampire's getting animal fries. Oh, man. It's going to-- We're playing double dare. Oh, this one, too, huh? Yeah, this one, too. Shit, yeah. No. It's an outside. No. It's just got-- OK. So, oh, boy, we're doing claws. You're almost low enough that you can get bitten. But I think the firewall's gone, too, because it's gone some-- Yeah, I was going to ask. Definitely. Yeah, we got to delete that. Oh, shit. Yeah, just delete that. That's fine. Just delete-- Shush. Just delete that vampire. It's fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to yell.

Get rid of its health. Oh, shit, yeah, it's health. It came back at full health, didn't it? It came back at full health. I don't like that. I got it. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. Thank you. OK. Also, now it's at the bottom of the-- you got to move him back up. Jesus Christ. Yeah, he's not even on the-- I don't think he's on the counter at all, actually. There he is. There we go. There he is. Wait. There he is. That's the wrong one. Oh. [LAUGHTER] [LAUGHTER] That was good audio. I love it. It was great. There. All right, I'm going to do the thing I was going to do.

Ding. What was I going to do? Claws. That's right. Here we go. Claws. Advantage on petrichor. Dropping a 4 to take a 16. 22 will house. 8 damage. Petrichor, stay alive. So far, so good. Actually, not so good. Here we go. [GROANING] Oh, we're dropping a 4 to take a 6. 12? 12 does not hit. Oh. Yes. Woo. How about that? OK. You're doing great, buddy. Yep, I'm trying. Come on. Yeah, I got to do the saving throw. You're fine. You're going to take half-half damage. Con saving throw, right? It's con saving throw. We're looking for 15 or higher. Saving throw. K'nahn strikes me as a pretty con-based character.

No, I'm not. Oh. What? Yes. Very nice. I take half-half. Half-half. Yeah. Half-half. So a 4. Please roll very low petrichor. Please, god. Don't do that. Don't hang out another 38. Whoa. Sorry. You're fine. I'm scrolling back up to this thing. I like the pre-apologize. It's like, no, I'm going to. I am sorry, though. Fuck you up. 30, 38. I'm rolling all 10s. Please. Oh, man. It's going to hurt, man. 35. Oh, fuck. A 4 is a net. So a quarter of 35. Ah, shit, man. You can make a big deal. I got it. I got it. 8.7, so round it up. 9. We'll call it 9. OK. That's still, for me, a tremendous amount.

Yeah. That's still incredibly painful. Yeah. Yeah, no. I agree. If you wouldn't round up in your game, swing on by Patreon. Give us a top. OK, so that was my saving throw. The start of my turn, basically, my right leg gets just absolutely fucked by this moonbeam. Just-- [LAUGHTER] And I'm like, oh! And I can see my wounds trying to heal, but the moonbeam's like, nah, I don't think so. So I'm going to-- I can't even move out of the way. Because you disengage. Yeah. Oh, yeah. There's clowns to the left of you, jokers to the right. We stay. We stand. We stand in the moonbeam. [LAUGHTER] I have to.

I have to. Yeah, no. I point to Petrichor again. I give him another 4, 48 from my pool, which leaves me with two left in total. Thank you. 23. I love that he's shaving health off of you and you're healing. Yeah. If that's not the true dynamics of a leader, I don't know what is. That's so true. I still have my Spirit Shroud, but I did take damage. So I'm going to roll a Constitution saving throw. I took 9, so that means I have to get a 10 or higher to keep it-- my shroud. Oh! Well, that plus 2 condo. You're a beast. You're a monster. Well, we're going to do the classic Eldritch Blast, I think.

Oh, no, because they're within range. They're in my face. They're-- yeah. I can't use a bonus action. I already used a bonus action. Son of a bitch. Well, then, Fist of Cuffs. Yeah, it has to be. Yeah, it might as well, which is the dumbest thing for me to do. But, you know. I'll go after the one that's injured next to Dog. Don't forget, you do get a plus 2 because Tary's there. Oh, sweet. All right. And Dog. I'll roll the attack. Situational bonus plus 2. Normal, no advantage, right? Because they're not-- Not yet. --going across. Well, that's a 20. Oh! 19 for a total of 23.

Here comes that negative 2 damage. Yeah. Which is 0. Oh, my god, no. No. But I still have my Shroud. 1 to 8. So that's 8 radiant. That's 16. Plus-- No. Plus the additional that we got last time. 20. Healing Light, so plus 4 to that as well. Yeah, so that should make it 20. Plus 4 radiant? Yeah, yeah. So that's plus 8. Oh. Oh, that's so hot. Yeah. I believe if you hover over him, it says near death. Yeah, death. Oh, yeah. Or near double death, I guess. Double death. Double dog death. One of these I roll over. Sorry. Well, one of these I keep rolling over, and it keeps saying, getting healthier.

Fuck you. You do regenerate. Great. So that's-- that cannot make it to the healing. Not the ones who took holy damage, though, if that makes you feel better. Thank god. Thank god. Yeah, that's it for me. Can I just-- healing and womping the vampire on the head. That's pretty good womp. Yeah. As womps go, I mean, not that there are a part there. The womp itself wasn't great. It was more the follow up to the womp. Yeah. I think you would really have to go frame per frame to take the womp away. Like, I think-- I'd like to think the flash of light that comes with it, it's like, holy.

It's like, man, what a good womp. You'd have to really go in. To see that he was like this because of actually hitting? You'd have to really go into After Effects, take it apart, one way. It's like, wait a second. He didn't even touch him. Oh, man. Yeah. I'd have to run this speed run past the mods. Petrichor is up. You in your own moonbeam? I am. That was a question I had for you. I'm going to go up to that, then there's the damage greet. It's going to be awesome. I hope I kill myself. See you. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What happened? You have to roll a con save first, bro.

Thank god. Holy shit. Just trying to kill yourself over here. I just took out a pistol. Well, here we go. [LAUGHTER] Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Yeah, right. So you did it. OK. You right, you right, you right. That's a crit one. Jesus. Full 33. That means you have to roll-- what is the 33? You have to roll a crit on your con save to keep the moonbeam up. Yeah. Or no, sorry. Half. Half of 33. I apologize. Yeah. Half, yeah. So it's like, just-- Wait, 16? 16? Yeah, let's go 16. So roll a con save. You're taking that damage no matter what. Yeah, yeah, great. A con save. I can't wait.

Yes. [LAUGHTER] You can't do worse than you just did. That's the good news. [SIGHS] [LAUGHTER] It gets gone. All right. Now that moonbeam's going to go away. Bye-bye. Guys, can I tell you the most upsetting thing? The most upsetting thing about this moonbeam going away is that my constitution save is plus seven, and I was really excited to use that. Do you want to see what it would be? No, it's fine. OK. Whatever. It's just, you know, a little bit cool. Stupid. No curse. All right. So-- Anyway, the worst part is probably about the near death, but you know, still upset about the constitution.

Disengage, man. Well, I mean, I've got two vampires on either side of me. If I disengage-- Disengage. If you disengage, then they can't-- like, you know, you're just running. But then I don't-- Then that's your-- yeah, that's the-- That's it. You have a bonus action? You've done enough. You're fine. You can leave. We'll take care of-- Yeah, you killed one. Go heal up for a second and then come back in. Good game. Yeah. GG. Totally. Take a little break. Get some water. Get in a position where they have to move past us to get to you. I think that's the best course of action.

Yeah. Technically-- Or heal yourself, like whichever. I was going to say, I can actually do a healing word on myself after I disengage. Or-- No. No, I can move. Is that a-- yes. No, healing word's a bonus action. Bonus action, yes. But I can't disengage. Yeah, you can. Disengage is an action. That's my movement, right? So yeah, disengage is your action. And then your movement allows you to get away. Yeah. And then your bonus action can let you heal yourself. So you can do all the things you want to do. All right. Then you can shove them. Well, that was-- Hang and push them.

That's actually-- that was my first question here, was going to be, regardless of what I do. So I know that the map we're looking at right now, forget the distance, because this is supposed to be just like a 10-foot wide thing. I wonder if I could shove somebody off. Like, OK, you see those yellow rails? I see them. If you were to shove that vampire and they failed a test, they would tumble over the side. I love that. I mean, yeah. Why wouldn't I do that? Yeah. I'm going to shove. Right. And then heal. OK. So that's in athletics, right? I don't remember the special words.

I forget. I think it's athletics versus their athletics. I don't fucking remember. If you know. [LAUGHTER] I'm looking it up. Shove. Push, I think. Is it using the attack? All right. Never comes up. Yeah. Athletics contested by the target's athletics. This is not going to go well. Already. We don't know. I can do one. We do know this. We don't know this. Or acrobatics. It's no different. Actually, it is slightly for me. OK. You want to know they're not trained in athletics. Oh, I'm not either. And I have a very low strength. It's a fair-- well, you know. I think honestly in the moment, I feel like if Petrichor got his bearings for a second, and this is just not going well, he's not doing well, he's going to see this thing staring at him with an entire long way to fall behind him, he's probably going to shove.

Then shove. I'm going to do it. OK. No, fuck you. OK. Fuck. Whoa. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just-- I'm really hurt. I'm really, really damaged. I heard that from the taquitos. That's what it is. Yeah, it is. It is. That's all right. OK. That's a total of five. That's five. All right, here we go. Ultimate test. I mean, there's a five coming off the gate. All right, 12, 15. Oh, I was going close to it too. It just barely beats you out, but it is like that. Fine. So just like in Baldur's Gate, it never works. You know what, it's worth a try. And I think it was actually what he would have done.

Yeah. It's what he would have wanted. It was-- you know what, that's going to be the next thing I say soon anyway. No. Oh, boy. Ducking and covering, we running? Well, that was my movement, right? That was your action. No, that's your-- That's your action. Yeah. Near death, I just rolled over it. Yeah, I'm going to move out of the way here. Well-- No. So if-- OK. So if you do it now, you can't disengage. So you're just moving. So you can give yourself a healing word. Yeah, I'm going to do that. Do that. OK. Yes. Doo doo doo doo. You can spit at him. That's a freak. I got to find it.

Sorry, got a lot of spells. Or not this-- got too many spells. Yeah, I'm just going to cure wounds. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait, no, that's not a bonus. Yeah, I was about to say, no. No. If you have a-- It's not the difference between-- I got it, I got it, I got it. If you got a high spell slot, you could probably bust that one. Yeah. And more dice, I think. Yeah, I'm going to do it. Ooh, fourth level. I mean, I'm near death. Three ones and a two. Oh my god. I hate when that happens. It's so mean. Good doof. It's funny. Bloop. That's eight. Eight back. The good news is your dog is about to kill this fucking vampire.

Does that help? Yes. It helps. Dog, give me a ride. They're the last three to go also, so. Yeah. Yeah, shit. Dog, bite with advantage. Damn right. I'm going to take a 16. That's a dirty 20. Kill it, dog, kill it, kill it, kill it. Oof. Man, it's really got some petrichor in it. It's a one and a two. So that will do. Five? Five damage. Not quite enough. Near death. Tary, you got this. It's Tary's turn. Does Tary get like two hits or anything or is he just? So Tary's got some stuff coming up that might be very helpful, but he's not a skilled fighter fighter, so it's kind of tough.

But he does get advantage. All you got to do is poke him, Tary. Just like a two. Take an 18. Five. Please, Tary. Kill the vampire. That's two vampires, baby. Good boy, Tary. The whole town full of these guys. Oh, these are just spawns. That's what I'm saying. There's a whole town of these. There's a lot of these. Yeah, there's a lot of them. Some of them are a little bit more up the food chain. Oh my god. That's why I am not throwing a bomb right now. Yeah. Tamika. Okay, I was reading something and I really want people to leave comments and give us a dollar, but I made a mistake last time.

I can only use metamagic once, so I actually only did 24 damage instead of 26. All right. I appreciate that. That's fair. Still tell me I did it wrong in the comments. That's fine. (laughs) I have a question. And leave us a dollar, please. What is considered the end of the chain's turn? Did we ever determine that? Each round. Okay. Okay. I just, like, that's one of those things where I was waiting to see what Tamika was gonna do, but each round it's gonna take, yeah. Should I do it now? Yes, please. So it was gonna take this damage from the end of the round anyway.

Nine damage. And then Tamika, she's gonna feel that tingling in her other hand and hurl another sphere at it. Holy shit. Holy mackerel. Yeah. Well, 'cause that one's gone essentially, right? And then you gotta throw it in there. Well, except for the lingering damage of Corroding Acid. Yeah. So you're not, you don't wanna wait. Yeah, no. It's like, no, no, no, more, more. Like it's like, yeah, yeah. And as far as I know, I know it's Corroding, but I'm like, I don't know if it's enough. Like, do we get this bonus drug? Yeah, you're hearing lots of screaming and fire and shit behind you too.

So like, you know, there's stuff going on. It's like, hey, hey, hey, we're on a timetable. Yeah, like I don't know the structural integrity of these things. I don't know that it has 50 HP, so. You would definitely see like bits and pieces of this chain like in different spots. Like they're moving too. So like, it's one of those things where you, it's like, okay, hold this operation up. Let me inspect. It's like, you know, it's like, well, I fucked them up. Like that's kind of, you know. More damage. Yeah, more damage. Holy shit. 29. Okay. Oh boy. Okay, so a bunch of stuff that's gotta happen.

Let's break this down. So while you're hearing all this combat and stuff behind you, you're, you know, you're hearing some vamps die. You're hearing dog yike, there's fire, there's moonbeam. Fucking K'nahn's gonna lose an ankle. Like just basically like. (laughter) It's a barbecue. Yeah. These chains just cannot hold up to the strain anymore. And they're gonna start to snap in a couple of places, but obviously not all of the chains have broken. But what that's done is create a cascade. So I need three rolls. Okay. One, I need to know how catastrophically this is going to fail on a scale of one to 10.

So Susan, give me that. Give me, give me just a d10. Yes. Eight. Eight. That's, that's massive. So you're gonna watch these things. You're gonna hear like this groan, just grrr. And, and as the chain goes to lurch down again, it's just gonna give way in two spots, right? And the chain is actually going to like fall out. It's going to like go slack on one end and wrap around the bridge as it's pulling shit down. Like it is catastrophically failing. This entire infrastructure is going down. So thousands of tons of chain are about to cascade onto the people below and this entire thing's coming out.

The bad news is it is also doing a tremendous amount of damage to the catwalks you are on. Oh yeah. Now on a scale of one to 10, I need to know how much this impacts the bridge. And I think Jasper should roll that. I think, no, I think this is the redemption. I think. Is it? Yeah. I think you're bullying Jasper. No, I don't know. On a scale of one to 10, how much damage is this doing to the bridge? I don't know how to respond. Shut up, Ciri. That's gonna be a TikTok. All right, here we go. One d10. Here we go. (sighs) Seven. Oh, shit. Not as bad as the chains. Okay.

Oh my God. Not unexpected. Yeah, no, I mean, obviously, like... So imagine giant iron tentacles flailing dramatically as this thing. So, so this coffin at the bottom is going to like lurch like back and forth. It's obviously, because all of these are in motion in different ways now, it's kind of pendulum swinging back and forth. The chains themselves are gonna go slack. The coffin's gonna drop. These chains are gonna wrap around the bridge and just snap this clean off, which means this entire infrastructure is gonna start to just give way and kind of dip down and slide.

So where Tamika's standing? Like, if you're looking, let's say, let's do this and just say here, there is no bridge past here. And the entire thing is like, okay, eight, 12, 13 degrees. Like it's just, it's sliding back. The entire thing is caving in on it. Oh, it's titanicized. Yes, you guys gotta get the fuck off this bridge. And what we're gonna do is from this point forward, we're gonna roll a D10. And that's how dramatically this is going to shift every round. But we need one more. I said I needed three dice rolls. And I think this, I think this is an Alex roll.

Ah, shit. Remember how I said this coffin is swinging back and forth? I need a D20. A one through 10, it's gonna clear the hole and crash land somewhere down here. Not fully raised up, but it's going to be on a platform down here, right? 11 through 20, it is going to crash back down this hole. And yeah, we'll take it from there. Okay. Okay. All right, we'll need two Alex. 12 or higher or 11 or higher? 11 or higher. We're looking for 11 or higher. Do it. Oh, 10. 10. It's not over? Nothing's over? But guys, I do think that's a good time for us to stop for the night.

And we pick things up and holy shit, this just got real interesting. See you guys in 119 days. Yes. (laughter) We'll wrap up this story. What are you doing in 2025? We'll see everybody when Alex's child is born. (laughter) (laughs)